How do you drown a blond?
You put a scratch & sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Author: admin
Cohones de Toro…
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on acation down here! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy”!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
Discussing finances
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Wanna be a builder
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.
He was bugging his mother so she said, “Jimmy, why don’t you go
across the street and watch the builders work? Maybe you’ll
learn something.”
Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home, his mother
asked him what he learned.
Jimmy replied, “Well first you put the God damn door up. Then
the son-of-a-bitch doesn’t fit, now you have to take the cock
sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each
side and put the mother fucker back up.”
Jimmy’s mother said, “You wait till your dad gets home!”
When Jimmy’s dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he
learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story.
Dad said, “Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch!”
Jimmy replied, “Fuck you, that’s the electrician’s job!”
Pilot
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of
our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base
be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15
Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just
stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and
introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked,
“Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get
him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The
aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,”What skills
to you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man says, “I chop wood!”
“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the
Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we
don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop
it before he can pile it!”
George Carlin Witticisms
1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, then why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6. I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk, “Where’s
the self-help section?” She said that if she told me it would
defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is walking around the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it a hostage situation?
11.Is there another word for synonym?
12.Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
practice?
13.Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
14.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an
endangered plant?
15.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16.Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18.If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he considered homeless
or naked?
19.Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
20.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
22.Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?
23.How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow signs?
24.Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste
funny?
25.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26.Here’s something you never hear a man say: “After I shove
this hot poker up my ass I’m going to chop my dick off.”
27.Another thing you’ll never hear a man say: “Stop sucking my
dick or I will call the cops.”
28.Life’s not that tough. You wake up, go to work, eat three
meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.
29.Why are boxing rings square?
The Apple, The Bannana, And The Dick
One Day an apple, a bannana, and a dick were talking about how their lives were worse. the apple said”People eat me then throw me away!” The Bannana said “People peal me, eat me, and then throw me away!” Then the dick said “People put a bag over my head, put me in a dark cave, and then make me do push ups until i throw up!”
Save Water – Take a
Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter
Guiness & The Mouse
Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him roar “Bring on the God damn cat!!!”
You go to your family
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
Religious Vocation?
A young man concludes that the religious life is for him.
Accordingly he joins an order with a strict vow of silence.
There is one exception to the rule however. Every ten years each
monk is allowed to speak three words but the alloted words may
be spoken only to the abbot.
Ten years pass. Our friend dutifully enters the abbot’s cell and
speaks his three words. He says, “Bed is hard.”
Ten more years pass. He again enters the cell of the abbot and
says, “Food is tasteless.”
His time to speak his three words comes round again after ten
more years. He enters the Superior’s cell and says, “I am
leaving.”
Indignantly the abbot replies, “Well I’m not surprised. You’ve
been here thirty years and all you’ve done is complain.”
Frog experiment
Professor Dumbarton conducted an experiment at a small California agricultural
college to show how a frog reacts to a human stimulus.
The scientist explained: “At first the frog jumped sixteen feet. When I cut
off one leg, I established that a three-legged frog could only jump twelve feet.
Then I cut off another leg and yelled, ‘Jump!’ I concluded that a two-legged
frog could only jump nine feet.”
“I then discovered that a frog with one leg can jump only six feet. I cut off
the last leg and shouted,
‘Jump!’ again, but the frog didn’t move. I therefore concluded that a frog
with no legs is deaf!”