When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.
Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way.
So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.
Author: admin
Taco bell
yo momma is so ugly when she went to taco bell everyone ran for the border
Footballers
why did the soocer teacher give his team lighters?
because they kept losing all their matches
Stop the drunk driver
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.He walks up to the drivers window and asks, “You drinkin’?”The driver said, “You buyin’?”
Sexual Harassment
One day a lawyer was sitting in his office and a young lady ran
in. The lawyer asked the lady what was wrong. The lady replied,
“I want to file a sexual harassment claim against my boss.” The
lawyer proceded to ask the lady what happened. “Everyday my boss
comes in and says my hair smells good.” The lawyer looked
confused and said, “I can’t do anything for that unless you can
bring me more eyewitnesses to the incident.”
The next day the lady returns with two more women. The lawyer
listened while the three ladies said the same story as the day
before. “I’m sorry ladies, but I can’t do anything about this
situation. Is there any more information you haven’t told me?”
asked the lawyer. The three ladies looked at each other for a
second and then replied at the same time, “He is a midget.”
Scared the Taxi Driver!
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a
little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years!”
nipples
‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady said. ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.’
bush
one day 3 men were walking down the road their names are osoma
bin laden, george bush, and farmer joe.
they walk about 5 miles till they spotted a lamp, farmer joe
picks
it up and rubs it and a genie pops out the genie
and tells them all that he’ll give them 1 wish each if they’ll
set him free. they talk it out and agree to set him
free. farmer joe goes 1st and his wish is for good farm land for
all of eternity, next osama wishes for a giant
wall around afganistan so no man can leave and no man can enter,
so the genie builds a 25 foot wall around
afganistan, then president bush goes he looks at the genie and
says, ” ok genie i wish to flood afganistan”
DAWGY STYLE
A blond walks into a bar and orders 2 shots then she says “one of the pain and one for the glory.” and she does it again the bartender finaly asks whats up with the pain and the glory? She says well it started when I was cleaning my house in the nude and I bent over to pick something off the floor and my greyhound mounted me . the bartender responds what was the glory then she responds that was the glory the pain was when he trew me out side when he was threw ….
Reporters do it daily….
Reporters do it daily.
Tattooed On Dick
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks if the guy does $100 bills.
“Sure”, says the artist. “Where you want it?”
“Wrap it around my prick”, says the customer.
“Why do you want it on your prick?” asked the tattoo artist.
“Three reasons”, replied the man thoughtfully, “
One, I like to play with my money.
Two, I like watching my money grow.
Three, my wife loves to blow money.”
Forbidden Fruit (twisted)
Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.
God comes down to them and said, “I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something.”
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.
God says to them, “Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do.”
The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, “If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.”
The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, “If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples up his butt. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, “You have made a face, and now you will go to hell, but I’m curious…why did you start laughing?”
And the man said then, “Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons.”