Q: What do you call a one legged dog?
A: It dont matter he wont come anyway.
Author: admin
Dinner with the Girlfriend’s Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you
were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist.”
Ode To A Mammogram
For year�s years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.”
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law…
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” she said,
as she got my tit in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,
Ah yes!There! Thats just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal…
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down…
My Boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched’n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
“Take a deep breath,” she said to me.
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.
“There, that was good,” I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
“Now lets get the other one,”
“Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she’s never had this done
to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now…
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt…
I’d like to get his balls in there,
For months he’d go “WITHOUT”!!
TOOTHACHE: The
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Competitive Politics
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next
to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, “You know
why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example,
I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”
“Oh, really?” replied the other. “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to
vote for you.”
Plug in , switch on.
A man and his wife are spending the evening at their local boozer. After having consumed rather a lot of alcohol the man starts boasting of his intelect and the most fantastic business ideas that he thinks of when having sex, to which his wife retorts, “It is of no wonder you can come up with these ideas when you’re plugged into a bloody genius.
Yo momma
your momma so fat,she walked outside and got stuck.
Life As A Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all
over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.
“Help” with the chores is just a click away.
You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on “refresh”.
Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on “back”.
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update”.
If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete”.
Three Dogs
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,”I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that’s why I’m here”.
The next dog said,”I peed on my masters $1,000 rug”.
The next dog then comes in and say’s,”My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!”.
“And that’s why you’re here?” asked the other dogs. “No, I’m getting my nails clipped.”
Your mama so fat and ugly, when she was in…
Your mama so fat and ugly, when she was in the shower, the number one director in America, was filming his Motion Picture “Gorillas In the Mist.”
Helicopters in White house.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round
of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
What’s going to happen?
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over
there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys
doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”
And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one
bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?!
I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”