Boy:My uncle is in Leavenworth because he made big money.
Girl:How much?
Boy:About a third of an inch too big.
Author: admin
Timber!
So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.
As instructed by the foreman they were to yell ‘TIMBER!’ whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled ‘Timber’ and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.
The tree fell on the cab killing poor ‘ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married.
Well Sven and Ole didn’t know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah’s now widow.
Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn’t know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell…..Sven rang the doorbell.
A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He’s at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is ‘GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ….!’
Inspirational Messages Redefined
17. There is no “I” in “teamwork.” But there is in “management kiss-up.”
16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
13. If you think we’re a bad company, you should see the competition.
12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings–they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
11. We put the “k” in “kwality.”
10. 2 days without a human rights violation.
9. Your job is STILL better than asking, “You want fries with that?”
8. We build great products when we feel like it and don’t have any reason to call in sick.
7. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
3. If at first you don’t succeed, delegate it.
2. Plagiarism saves time.
1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
A Texan Farmer in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are
those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?”
After a holiday
After a holiday, workers were coming back to work, and those who had already
been inside the workshop, greeted every new arrival walking in with the same
question, “Hey, pal, how have your holiday been?” And everybody would answer
proudly, “It was a beautiful celebration. I don’t remember a thing!”
The Owl
Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
The owl says.
The owl says who?
Exactly.
Slacking Off
The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer!”
curiosity killed the little girl
one day a happy little girl filled w/ joy and curiosity was
walking down the road one day from school,and she saw one of her
neighbors waxing his grass,w/ curiosity,the little girl went
over and asked why he was doing a stupid thing like that.his
answer was that it made the grass look pretty and shiney,she
said ok w/ a weird look on her face and walked on by.then she
came to another neighbor who was doing something weird too,she
was spraying windex on her garden,w/ curiosity she went over and
asked why she was spaying windex on her garden,her answer was
that it made her garden look clean like glass,she said okey
dokey and went on.then she saw he next door neighbor and he was
a killer,he was cleaning a knife for his next victom,she was so
curious about that ,that she went over and asked why he was
cleaning his knife?his answer was:i was waiting for u,so i kept
myself occupied while i waited!
Sex and Bread
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
“Well,” answered the man, “I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically.”
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, “do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?”
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, “what is the difference?”
The clerk responds, “Well when it’s sliced, it gets harder faster.”
To which the man responded, “How come everyone knew about this but me?”
After all is said and
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Monastery Fast Food
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.
The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?”
“No”, answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk'”.
98 and still going
An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Just how old are you, mister?” “Why,” the old patron says, “I’m 98 years old today!” “Ninety-eight!” the madam exclaims. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh,” he says, “then how much do I owe you?”