A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. “Yes,” she replied readily. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
Author: admin
Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than
met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, “Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do
you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter
just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:
“Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from
my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
said “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your
housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with
your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom”
McBride vs Tyson
Kevin McBride defeated Mike Tyson Saturday night. Did you see it?
Whew! What happened to Tyson?
That desk clerk in New York put up a better fight against Russell Crowe.
Off To The Foot Doctor
There was this drunk who said to the bartender, “I want a woman!” so the bartender gave him directions to a place.The drunk was so messed up that he couldn’t remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctor’s office.The lady at the counter asks, “Can I help you?”The Drunk says, “Yes, I want some service.” So the lady replies, “Go in the other room and put it on the table.”So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.The lady comes in and says, “That’s not a foot!”The drunk replies, “Give it time, lady, Give it time.”
Drunk Superhero
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, ”Hey, I’ll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!” Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ”YOU’RE ON!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ”WOW,” screamed the 2nd guy, ”That was incredible. Do it again!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ”That is remarkable. Do it one more time!””Ok,” said the first guy, ”But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it.” The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ”Your turn,” he said.So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ”This is easy. He did it, so can I!” The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, ”You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman!”’
What are the Five Reasons not wanting to be…
What are the Five Reasons not wanting to be an Egg?
- You only get laid once.
- You only get eaten once.
- It takes you 7 minutes to get hard (in boiling water).
- You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
- The only one that sits on your face is your mother.
Best toast
John O’ Neill hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Wanna hear a redneck joke?
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a
‘redneck’ joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Before you tell that joke you should know
something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me
is 6’2″, 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6’5″, 250 lbs.
and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”
En una clase de biolog�a,
En una clase de biolog�a, el profesor hablaba sobre los altos niveles de glucosa hallados en el semen. Una joven novata levant� la mano y pregunt�:
“Si le he entendido, �est� usted diciendo que hay un mont�n de glucosa, como el az�car, en el semen masculino?”
“Es correcto”, respondi� el catedr�tico, y sigui� a�adiendo informaci�n estad�stica al respecto. Levantando la mano de nuevo, la chica cuestion�:
“Entonces, �por qu� no sabe dulce?”
Tras un silencio inc�modo, la clase por completo estall� en risas. La cara de la pobre chica se volvi� rojo brillante cuando se dio verdadera cuenta de lo que hab�a dicho inadvertidamente (o m�s bien implicado); cogi� sus libros sin decir una palabra y sali� de la clase… para nunca m�s volver. Sin embargo, mientras cruzaba la puerta, la respuesta del maestro fue de antolog�a. �ste, totalmente serio, respondi� a su duda:
“No sabe dulce porque las papilas gustativas para el dulzor est�n en la punta de tu lengua y no en el fondo de tu garganta”.
Ever wonder what you call
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?Being rich and it don’t mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
Nigga
what do you call a kun hangin from a power line?black power
I didn’t claw my way
I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
“So many channels. . .
So little choice.