Six times Six

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, ” Mister, I’m broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I’m out of a place to live. I’ll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can’t come up with a reply to.”

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him, “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.”

The man scratches his head and says, “your right, I can’t top that.” and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says “your on”

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can’t piss in mine!!”

Power of the Internet

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post on the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Urinal Rules

Men should ace this test … women may have a little difficulty.

There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette” that MUST be followed. ===============================================

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men’s room. An X above the number will indicate “in use.”

(Sample):

~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~

(Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 ~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~ are occupied.)

————————-

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck!

1.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 It’s the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.

===============================================

2.) ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ (Urinal 1 occupied.)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

===============================================

3.) ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ (empty)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: __

Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, “I don’t want anyone next to me.”

===============================================

4.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ (2, 4 and 6 occupied)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 1 You’re stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

===============================================

5.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ x ~~ (2, 5 and 6 occupied)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: __

Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 “couples” you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn’t want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

===============================================

6.) ~~ x ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ x ~~ (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals “open up” a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god’s sake! … use a doored stall. ===============================================

Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

— NO Talking, unless it’s a good friend… but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain’t no clubhouse.

— I don’t think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another’s elbow is of the highest offense.

— NO Singing. Period.

— Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only…”Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again”.

New Years Resolutions

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You’ve been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don’t eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don’t believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of
them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Very short books in the making

These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page.1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement2. Clinton Policies that actually save money3. The Logic of the Politically Correct4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked5. Good Points of Clinton’s Health Program6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense7. “The Submissive Woman” by Hillary Clinton.8. Creating New Jobs in America – by Bill Clinton9. “Life During Wartime” by Bill Clinton.10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government – by Slick Willy11. “Why People are More Important than Animals” – Greenpeace12. “Deep-Thinking Liberals”13. “The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech”14. “Why Political Correctness is not Censorship”15. “The Merits of Gun Control”16. “Feminists Worth Marrying”17. “How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy” by Socialists.18. “To Tell the Truth” – by President Bill Clinton19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By – by Bill Clinton20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill