Hush little baby don’t you squall
Momma’s gonna buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can’t see beyond
Momma’s gonna buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand don’t change your fate
Momma’s gonna teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma’s gonna buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she�ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don’t float your bones
Momma’s gonna buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don’t ease your heart
Momma’s gonna buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma’s gonna buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma’s gonna buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma’s gonna buy you a pyramid.
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma’s gonna take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don’t come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it’s just your karma.
Author: admin
Joggers
A nude jogger was running past two old women.
One had a stroke, the other missed!
Yo Mama’s So Fat… Corduroys
Yo’ mama so fat, she wore corduroys and smoothed out the ridges!
Men Are the Better Sex
Let’s look at a few rather important topics to prove this:
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike,
Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want some change back. The girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste,
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from
the Holiday Inn.; The average number of items in the
typical woman’s bathroom is 337.No man will be able to
identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t
looking, men kick cats.
THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A
man marries a woman expecting she won’t change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A
man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Every married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in
two people remembering the same thing, is there?
LISTENING
What a woman says: “C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need
to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes
if we don’t do laundry now.”
What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,
blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.
Wedding Performance
On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.
“Dad,” says the son, “what do I do tonight? I’m very nervous.”
“Don’t worry,” comforts the father. “It’s all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.”
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!
Dirty Sandwich
There was a girlfriend and a boyfriend on a date. They came
home to the boyfriends house and when they got inside the
boyfriend explained to his girlfriend that he shares bunkbeds
with his 7 year old brother who has the bottom bunk and they
would have to go to the top. So they would have to use
codenames. If she wanted it harder say lettuce and if she
wanted a different position say tomato. So they get into bed
and she scremed lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato,
lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato, tomato, LETTUCE,
LETTUCE. Then the little brother woke up and said “hey guys
stop making sandwiches up there, your getting mayonase all over
my face”.
Dating hints for men
Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
Married Couple
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting
on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know,
this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and they
began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we
stuck together forever?”
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
“Great,”said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.
“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”
Howard the vet
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he’d hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him , “Howard, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, “Howard, you’re a veterinarian.”
Gay Dinosaur
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megaspores.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Oates!Oates who?Oates’ay can
Knock KnockWho’s there?Oates!Oates who?Oates’ay can you see!
Stupid
You’re so stupid you were locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
You’re so stupid you triped over a cordless phone.
You’re so stupid you were locked in a toy store and died of boredom.
You’re so stupid you were locked in a restroom and pissed in your pants.
You’re so stupid you sold your car for gas.
You’re so stupid you sit on the tv and watch the couch.