ADA: A Dumb ArrangementADA: A Dumb AcronymADA: A Dumb AnnoyanceBASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic CodersBASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical CodeBASIC: Beginner’s Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite ConfusionC: CrudC: ConfusingCOBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused LanguageCOBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated LanguageCOBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated LanguagesCOBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunaticsCOBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our LethargyCOBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our LoathingCOBOL: Compiles Only Because Of LuckCOBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized LanguageCOBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed LunaticsFORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverlandLISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid ParenthesesLISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous ParenthesesPASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
Author: admin
Married Life
Two older women were discussing their sex lives. Marge was just beside herself. Her sex life was just awful! Her husband just didn’t seem interested anymore. Her friend was quick to say that her sex life was just wonderful. She said that every day before her husband gets home from work she takes a shower. Then she lies naked on the bed with her legs spread open. When he walks into the room and sees her lying there it is just too much for him to resist. Works every time.
Marge decided to try this. So the next day prior to her husband returning home she takes a shower. When she hears him come into the house she runs to the bedroom. She lies on the bed naked with her legs spread wide apart and waits. Her husband walks into the room, takes one look at her and says… ” Dammit Marge, would you comb your hair and put your teeth in. You’re starting to look like an asshole”!
You might be a redneck
If you see a sign that says “say no to crack” and you remember to pull your
pants up, you might be a redneck.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
Rules of attraction
The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.
Egg Dispute
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. “In my family,” the Scotsman said, “we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I knock you down and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me down and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.” The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could and knocked him over. The Englishman fell to the floor and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”The Scotsman said, “No. You can keep the egg!”
Family History
A modern woman is explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album: “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.””The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, a genealogist.”
Do not disturb!
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Oregon Timber Rules
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, ‘What took you so long?’ He replied, ‘Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.’
Look at me!
A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says, “Mom, look, I’m a white boy!”
His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, “Go show your father!”
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, “Look dad, I’m a white boy!” His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, “Go show your Grandmother!”
The boy goes in his grandmother’s room and says, “Look granny, I’m a white boy!” His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says “See. Did you learn anything from that?!”
To which the boy replies, “Sure enough did. I’ve only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!”
Why I don’t answer my email
10. The dog chewed through my monitor cable and now I can’t read my e-mail.9. I type with the two-finger “hunt ‘n peck” system and spend all my time “hunting”.8. I have a rare disease, “Terminal Procrastination”.7. You mean my PC can really reply to your Mac?6. I’m so far behind, I don’t open my e-mail anymore.5. I spilled hot tomato soup in my keyboard and only the delete key works now.4. I work for the U.S. Post Office and we find e-mail too threatening.3. I’m waiting until my “Inbox” has 1,000,000 e-mails.2. I play computer games 24 hours a day and don’t have time to reply to e-mail.1. I try, but it says to press any key. My keyboard doesn’t have an “any” key!!!
Jet Juice
To men named Jon and Brian lived in Arizona. They both liked to drink. So, one day they were at work ( Airplane Machanics) and it was a rainy day. There was nothing to do so Jon said, “I wish we had something to drink. Brian told Jon that he had heard of somebody drinking Airplane Fuel and getting a real buzz. So they tried the Jet juice. The next morning, they both woke up feeling great, no hangover or anything. Then Jon phoned Brian.
Jon said, “How do you feel?”
Brian said, “Great no hangover or anything, we should try it more often”
Jon said, ” Yeah, well, have you tried farting.
Brian said ” No Why?”
Jon said ” Don’t I’m in Pheonix!”