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“We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob’s income.” his wife told her best friend.
“How do you two manage? And you even have kids!”
“We get along okay,” her friend said. “You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.”
“Really? How can that be?”
“Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it’s too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!”
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !
What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.
It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick !
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!
Hear about the ninja that joined the army?…
.. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself…
If your a blond scroll down for a very funny joke.
Scroll up for a very funny joke if your are a blond.
Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
A woman comes to her doctor asking to pull out the vibrator that got stuck.
The doctor, after examining her says : “I have good news and bad news,what would you like to hear first”
“the bad news” says the woman.
“Well, I can’t take it out” answered the doctor.
“And what is the good news” asked the woman
“I can still change the batteries” – answered the doctor.
I’m saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.
AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…
Foul play has not been ruled out.
Un d�a un tipo se despert� y not� que le hab�a crecido un pene justo en el medio de la frente. Preocupado, va al m�dico. El m�dico lo revisa y le dice:
“�Tiene una biblia?”
“S�”, contesta el paciente.
“L�ala y vuelva la semana que viene.”
A la semana siguiente el hombre vuelve con el pene en la frente.
“Me le� toda la Biblia doctor, �quiere preguntarme algo?”
“No, no, est� bien. Bueno ahora busque un libro de historia, l�alo y vuelva la semana que viene.”
A la semana siguiente el tipo vuelve.
“Me le� toda la historia del pa�s doctor, �quiere preguntar algo?”
“No, no, est� bien. Ahora, l�ase un libro de la segunda guerra mundial.”
Y el paciente se cans�: “Doctor me tiene harto. �Qu� clase de terapia es �sta? �Para qu� carajo me hace leer tanto?”
“�Porque cuando te crezcan los huevos no vas a poder leer m�s!”
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”
It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he
skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some
excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland
6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume,
skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not
technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow
and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying
performance.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland
6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with
his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and
bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces
then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over
again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland
6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the hell
can you give that mess 6.0?!”
To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery
out there.”