Author: admin

The Quickie

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he
said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few minutes passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” The startled
father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

Lesbian in a Bar

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a girl and starts
flirting with her. She turns around and says, “You know, I’m a
lesbian.” He just nods and keeps flirting. So she turns around
again and says to him, “Do you know what a lesbian is?” He
replies no. She says, “You see that woman there. I want to strip
her down and have open sex with her all over the floor.” Upon
hearing that, the man starts sobbing. She asks, “What’s wrong?”
And he says, “I think I’m a lesbian too!”

7th Grade Athletics Exam

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These are some questions from an actual real-life exam for a 7th grade
athletics class:

FOOTBALL

1. How many yards do you have to get for a 1st down when it’s 1st and 10?

2. How many players are on the field at one time?

4. How many points do you recieve for a touchdown?

5. How many points do you recieve for an extra point kick?

6. How many points do you recieve for an extra point that you run or pass
in?

7. How many points do you recieve for a safety?

8. What is it called when an offensive player jumps offsides before the
ball is snapped?

9. Which player recieves the ball from the center?

10. What piece of equipment protects your sholders?

BASKETBALL

1. How many points do you recieve for a lay-up?

2. How many points do you recieve for a free-throw?

3. How many points do you recieve for a three-pointer?

4. How many players are on the court at one time?

So, do you wanna fish

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A game warden spots a young lad walking down the street with 30 large catfish in his arms. He stops and asks the young fellow where he managed to catch all those fish. The young boy points and says just over yonder. The game warden says “boy, I’ve been fishing around these parts for years….and I never got those many fish…..can I go fishing with you tomorrow? The boy gladly says yes and asked the warden to join him first thing in the morning by a certain area.
The next morning the warden and the young boy head out. The boy rows the boat out 50 feet and then stops. The warden asks what he was doing and the boy says this is where we are going to fish. The warden says I’ve fished here before and never got many fish. It was then that the little boy pulls a stick of dynamite out of a box, lights it and throws it out into the water. A loud explosion follows and many dead fish float to the surface. The game warden is amazed and angry and says to the boy, that he can’t do that and that he will have to arrest the young lad for fishing that way.

The young lad calmly pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and hands it to the game warden and says…..whatca going to do…bitch about it…..or fish.

Heaven and Hell

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Jeff and Mike were in an accident and killed instantly. Upon Jeff’s arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff.

“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter.

“You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn’t.”

Dr Jones

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There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!”

Cannibals

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Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, “hey, how is it going down there?”

The cannibal at the bottom says “this is great, I’m having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you’re eating too damn fast.”