11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Author: admin
Morning Kiss
It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in
front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about
halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his
wife’s foot tapping on the porch.
He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back
to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on
the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the
driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, “Harold, it’s none of my
business, but why’d you kiss her down there?”
Harold says, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”
La profesora quiere tomarle el
La profesora quiere tomarle el pelo a sus alumnos y les dice:
“Voy a hacer dos preguntas, pero el que conteste bien la primera, no deber� contestar la segunda. A ver, �cu�ntos pelos tienen los caballos en el lomo?”
Jaimito responde r�pidamente: “Sesenta y dos mil quinientos treinta y cinco.”
“�Y t� c�mo puedes saberlo?”
“�Ah! Esa ya es la segunda pregunta.”
Blonde quickies 12
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: Why aren’t there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don’t get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don’t leave trails, like snails.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s vagina?
A: The Blonde!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she’d ever been picked up by ‘the fuzz’?
A: ‘No. But I’ve been swung around by the tits.’
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Emotional extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were in their first class on emotional extremes.
‘Just to establish some parameters,’ said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, ‘what is the opposite of joy?’
‘Sadness,’ said the student.
‘And the opposite of depression?’ he asked of the young lady from Rice.
‘Elation,’ she said.
‘And you, sir,’ he said to the young man from Texas Agricultural, ‘how about the opposite of woe?’
The Aggie replied, ‘Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.’
Can’t Talk Now
A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.
The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says, “She cannot talk rrright now, she ‘as a frog in ze thrrrought.”
Joining the Church
Three couples wanted to join the Catholic Church: an elderly
couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young, newly-married couple.
The parish priest held an interview session to determine the
worthiness of each couple. He began with this lecture: “The
Catholic Church prizes abstinence as a virtue. In order to be
eligible to join the Church, you will be required to abstain
from sexual relations for one week.” He observed their
reactions: The older looked at each other fondly and smiled; the
middle-aged man breathed a sigh of relief, while the woman shot
him a dirty look; both the young newlyweds broke out in a cold
sweat and trembled. The priest noted this and told the six
hopefuls: “I want to speak with you all a week from today, same
time, to check on your progress.” The couples all left his
office.
One week later, the three couples returned, and once again met
in the priest’s office. The priest greeted them all, saying
“Welcome back, my children! I trust you did not have too much
difficulty with this test.” The elderly man just laughed. “No,
not a bit of difficulty, Father!” His gray-haired wife leaned
toward the priest and whispered “Earl lost his manly functions
twenty years ago; I’m relieved that that part of my wifely duty
is finished!” The priest smiled, shook hands with both of them
and said “Congratulations! You have proven yourselves worthy of
the Catholic Church!”
He turned to the middle-aged couple and asked “How about you
two?” The man hung his head; the woman replied, “It wasn’t easy.
James is going through a midlife crisis and staring at porno
magazines. I’m hitting my sexual peak and reached for my dildo a
few times, but we stayed strong.” The priest shook his head. “It
seems to me this may be a hard adjustment for you to make. I
will allow you to join the church on probationary conditions.”
Then he turned to the young couple, who looked very
uncomfortable. “And you, my children?” The girl burst into
tears; the boy hung his head. “Well?” insisted the priest. The
boy spoke up. “Well, Father, we were okay for the first 2 days.
But on the third day, my wife wore those little shorts that
drive me nuts. We tried to ignore the sinful urges, but we just
couldn’t fight it. I bent her over the meat freezer and took her
then and there.” The priest frowned and shook his head. “I’m
sorry, but you two are not welcome in the Catholic Church. The
girl sobbed, “We’re not welcome in the supermarket either!”
Trip to San Francisco
Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the
carload of gays?
The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still
packing there shit.
Suicidal Blonde
One day a blonde woman was so fed up with all of the dumb blonde
jokes that she decided to kill herself. She took a rope outside
and found a suitable tree. She threw the rope over a branch and
proceeded to hang herself.
Soon two men came along and asked, “what are you doing?”. She
replied, “I’m hanging myself.” The two men looked at her and
said, “well usually if your trying to kill yourself you put the
rope around your neck.” Then the Blonde said, “Duh, I tried that
but I couldn’t breathe.”
why did the turtle cross the road?…
why did the turtle cross the road?
to get to the shell station!
Tire Tread Marks
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal…
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to
1803, and he had to spend three months running it down. After sending the
information to FHA, he got this reply: “We received your letter today enclosing
application for loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. Let us
compliment you on the able manner in which you prepared and presented the
application. However, you have not cleared the title before the year 1802, and
therefore, before final approval can be accorded the application, it will be
necessary that the title be cleared back to that year.”
Annoyed, the lawyer replied: “Your letter regarding titles in Case No.
189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have
presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to
know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The title to the land
was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route
to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good Queen, being a pious
woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took
the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before she
sold her jewels to help Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary
of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, made the
world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you are satisfied.”