This 8 year old little boy saddles up to the bar.”Hey, sweetie,” he says to the well endowed waitress, “how about a Scotch on the rocks?” She says, “Uh huh. Are you trying to get me in trouble?” “Maybe later, honey – but now I could really use that drink.”
Author: admin
The results of a study
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn’t have to.
Dog Train
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for
three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat
to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on
his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for
two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British
lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?
Redneck quickies 5
You might be a redneck if…
Your momma doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
You’re an expert on worm beds.
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Another condom
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. “What’s could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?”
So he tells his clerk “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies “Your house.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Why did the blonde t
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
The Top 14 Other Internet Hoaxes
14. The DOTCam — Live webcast of your local Department of Transportation guys actually working for the first time.
13. “You, too, can become a Top5 contributor! Just take this little test!”
12. Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the Internet.
11. Rosie O’Donnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys — for dinner!
10. “Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE on the Internet!”
9. Discovery of Adolph Hitler’s long-lost Netscape bookmarks
8. The V2K bug – Every morning, another friggin’ Viagra joke on your monitor.
7. “Our First A-Bomb” <http://www.abomb.india.gov.
6. TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
5. www.ourfirstherpes.com
4. Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey “Sunshine” Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon, on July 31 at www.the-other-white-meat.com.
3. The Drudge Report
2. Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.
1. The Church of Scientology refund website
Top Scenes Cut from Titanic
Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet’s implants for safety.
At the two-hour-and-20-minute mark, dinner guest No. 5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, “Will this darn movie ever end?”
A computer-generated Herve Villechaize screams, “De berg, de berg! Boss, de berg!”
Fearing that theme song will go on forever, Celine Dion’s grandma leaps from a lifeboat.
Rose’s evil betrothed reveals he’s really Jack’s father and suggests they overthrow the captain and rule the ship together, as father and son.
Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.
Door knob
your like a door knod 10 cents a screw
The art of tipping
A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip–three pennies.As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: ‘You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.’ The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. ‘Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?’ ‘Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.’ Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters ‘Hmm, true enough.’ ‘And this penny, it tells me you’re a bachelor.’ Surprised at her perception, he says, ‘Well, that’s true, too.’ ‘And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.’
Mark Chapter 17
After his message, Rev. Smith told his congregation that to
prepare for next week’s message, he wanted everyone to read Mark
Chapter 17.
The next week he asked the congregation, “Who read Mark Chapter
17?” A few at a time, most of the people raised their hands.
Rev. Smith looked at them sternly and said, “The last chapter of
Mark is chapter 16. Now I will have my sermon on lying.”
Arline Quotes
‘Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.’ Pilot – ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.’ Pilot – ‘Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can’t get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day.’ And, after landing: ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’ An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline.’ He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no M’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’ Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please, remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’ Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’