Yo mama so nasty she had to cut her tampon strings so her crabs wont go bungee jumping
Author: admin
Material Miracle
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”.
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing” and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
A married couple
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife
(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, �How
should I know, that�s 200 miles from here!� and hung up. The husband said, �Who
was that?� The wife said, �I don�t know, some woman wanting to know �if the
coast is clear.�
God is missing
The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, “Where is God ?”Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, “Where is God ?”Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy’sface and screamed, “WHERE IS GOD ?”Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,”What happened to you ?”Billy yelled, “We’re in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing andthey think WE did it. “
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
“Okay, Rover,” ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
“Hit it, Spot,” commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
“Your turn, Fella,” said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
Dirty mind
Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college,
said during class, “Miss Smyth, would you please name the organ of the human
body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal
size, and define the conditions�.
Miss Smyth gasped, then said freezing, “Mr. Hamilton, I don’t think that is a
proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that
she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question.
Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light�.
“Correct,” said Mr. Hamilton.
� And now, Miss Smyth, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be
faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
The greedy man!
One day a rich greedy man bougt a donkey from a poor man. the man explained:Amen to stop. alleluia to go. oh god to trot. the man didnt listen. the man went on the donkey and said “oh god, here we go.” suddenly the donkey troted along. the rich man didnt know where he was going. the man was coming to a clif but didnt realise it. then he saw it and panicked. he tried saying “whow” and “stop donkey stop” but nothing worked. then he stated saying a prayer “in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit…Amen” and the donkey stoped. the man was so delighted he shouted at the top of his voice at the edge of the clif “ALLeluia…”
Pianist
A guy walks into a bar and sees one other man sitting there drinking a beer
looking a little forlorn. There is, also a foot tall midget playing the piano.
The other guy has a magic lamp next him, so the first guy sits down next to him
and asks him if he can have one of the three wishes. The guy says he can because
he has used one and doesn’t feel like using the last two. So, the man rubs the
lamp a genie pops out and asks him for his wish. the man wishes for 1000 bucks.
The genie grants his wish and as soon as he goes away ducks start walking into
the bar. He counts them and there are 1000. He complains”Hey I asked for 1000
bucks not ducks. Then the guy next to him replies “you don’t think I asked for a
12 inches pianist do you?”
A few blonde breast jokes
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde’s breasts and a tampon?A: A tampon doesn’t shrivel when wet. Q: how are a blonde’s breasts and my P.J.’s alike?A: They both have a lable that says, “100% cottonQ: how are a blonde’s breasts and a pad alike?A: Niether are recomended for the beach and both come in different absorbency levels.
Two Spuds!
Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
It’s the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.
Your mommas so stupid
yo mommas so stupid that she climbed over a clear wall to see what was on the other side!
Secret weapon
Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles’ club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
“I don’t get it,” complained the first guy, “He`s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here.”
“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “He`s not even a very good conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows.”
Submitted by Curtis