Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Author: admin
100 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!…
100 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
(No offense intended or implied)
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained
weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guy in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ’em into
the boards).
16) You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) You don’t have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37) If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything (“Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry
about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s
coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don’t give a rat’s butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s
about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one’s just too skeevy.
67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
69) Same work…more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental:$75.
73) You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76) If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79) ESPN’s SportsCenter.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
85) If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell
your other friends you’ve changed.
86) Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw
it.”
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in
the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and
anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice
anything different?”
99) Baywatch
100) There’s always a game on somewhere.
Do you have a bias?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?””No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”
The Prayer.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
THE FISHERMAN’S SONS
One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons.
They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their
children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on
names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar
fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while
the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents
positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s
call the boys towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and
from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the
aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a
living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set
sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not
returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years
passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She
recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling
boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
“We were just barely one whole day out to see when towards hooked into a great
fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a
whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet
eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and towards was pulled over
the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them
again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”
Dirty Nuns
Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle. The one in back says to the driver, “Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?” The one in front replies: “No! It must be the cobblestones!”and then there was…Two nuns where in the shower.One says “Where’s the soap?”The second says “Yes it does doesn’t it”
75 Year Old Husband
On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman’s appearance. “Honey, you’re just a young thing,” she remarked, “but you look like hell. What’s up?””I’ve been double-crossed,” the miserable bride moaned. “When he said he’d been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!”
En un bote a la
En un bote a la deriva, se encontraban unos n�ufragos que ten�an varios d�as sin comer. De improviso, uno de ellos saca su cuchillo y comienza a gritar desesperado:
“�Me muero de hambre, ya no puedo m�s! �Me voy a cortar el pene y me lo voy a comer!”
Sus compa�eros, alarmados al ver que est� a punto de mutilarse, le ruegan:
“�No, no lo hagas! �Piensa en tu novia, piensa en tu novia!”
El tipo, conmovido por las palabras de sus compa�eros, suelta el cuchillo diciendo:
“Tienen raz�n, no me lo cortar�”.
“�No, g�ey, piensa en tu novia para que te crezca y nos alcance a todos!”
My reality check bounced!
My reality check bounced!
Ach
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ach
Ach who?
God bless you.
The Redneck-Unabomber Connection
What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?
They’ve both been fingered by their brothers.
Fast food worker
Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint…
There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say, we did not object to this in the least. In fact, we used to let her wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe down the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally facing away from the counter.
This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish with silver speckles, and it turned out that she was wearing black panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties were blue on one cheek, and pink on the other.
But … one evening … great anticipation … When would she EVER go out and wipe the tables ??? … She came in to work, and she was wearing no nail polish!
She never did tables that night, and we never knew.
I suspect we were set up.