Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Author: admin
The Learning Channel
Last night I was watching The Learning Channel and they had an advertisement for some christian CDs. The phone number was 1-800-666-0880.
Bet that went over really well with the intended customers.
Pizza
What’s good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy? Crust.
Bud the stud!
How can you compare a lite beer to making love in a canoe? It’s fucking close to water!
Making Sandwiches
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out,”
She screams out…”I can’t get pregnant…aaahhhhhhhh”!
Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you’re getting mayonnaise all over my face.”
E-mail back to induhviduals
Dogbert Answers My Mail
———————–
In this section, Dogbert will answer some of the annoying e-mail messages
that I get every day.
Dear Scott,
I plan to use Dilbert cartoons in my upcoming presentation to a large
industry group. It’s non-profit so I won’t be paying you. Please find
all the ones about “Teamwork” and mail them to me. I need them by
tomorrow, so either FedEx or e-mail will be fine.
June
Dear June,
Nothing makes Mister Adams happier than a chance to give his work away
for free, especially if it requires extra effort. Unfortunately, Mister
Adams is busy cleaning rain gutters for other inconsiderate turds who
figured it “wouldn’t hurt to ask.” So he will not be able to satisfy your
request in a timely manner. He apologizes.
But here’s a tip: You can spice up your presentation with paintings from
the Louvre. Just write to the curator and ask him to mail you the “ones
with cherubs exhibiting teamwork.” If he gives you any trouble, remind
him that you’re non-profit and he’s being a jerk.
Dogbert
——–
Dear Scott,
I have a Web page that I think you’ll enjoy, based on your quirky and
irreverent style. Check it out and let me know what you think.
http://yadayaa.com/bottles/caps/imadork/
Allan
Dear Allan,
Mister Adams appreciates the opportunity to see if his personal
preferences match those of strangers, especially if it takes some effort.
That’s the kind of thing he thinks about constantly. He thanks you for
being so giving.
To reciprocate, Mister Adams suggests that you slap yourself in the head
with a wooden spoon. Judging from your quirky and irreverent style, we
think you’ll enjoy it. Let us know what you think.
Dogbert
———–
Dear Scott,
My friend named his turtle Alteriox. It would be very funny if you named
a character in the Dilbert strip Alterioxbert. We would all be very
amused. If you do it, write and tell me because I don’t read the strip.
Randy
Dear Randy,
That is an excellent suggestion for increasing the humor of the strip in
a way that is relevant to a broad audience. In fact, Mister Adams plans
to name ALL of the characters Alterioxbert, except for a new character
called “Randy the Butt Pimple.” Thank you for this excellent suggestion.
Dogbert
I MAKE TOO MANY BUSH INNUENDO JOKES…
And here’s another! Well it’s actually an AP headline: “Philippine leader gets
rare Bush dinner.” I know, I’m a twelve year-old boy, you don’t have to tell me.
I’m giggling like a schoolboy after hearing the word “titmouse�. Haha…
titmouse.
You’re a redneck … your parakeet knows the
You’re a redneck if…. Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”.
Talented Dog
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “‘HELP WANTED.’ Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer, proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?A: A man without a clue.
Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s final agony, as
he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in
the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his
extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in
heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table – were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he
threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a
rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of
the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate
through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone
biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife……
“Fuck off, ” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
Why do Lawyers smell?
Q: Why do Lawyers smell?
A: So the blind can hate them, too!