yo mama so dumb, she stole free bread.
Author: admin
Redneck quickies 18
You might be a redneck if…
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to “git that big ole coon. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn…”
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
Stranded
I wish we wernt stranded on this iceburg steven whats for dinner
we can have ratsoup ratdogs or roastrat whats for desert icetea
and snow balls.
Wait i think i can see something get the telascope yes its a
ship were saved yes whats it called the titanic.
Pet Zebra
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Marketing Translation Flops
Chevrolet Nova didn’t do well in Spanish speaking countries … Nova means ‘No Go’ …Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name ‘Pavian’ to suggest French chic … but ‘Pavian’ means ‘baboon’ in German.A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing energy while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, ‘Avoid Embarrassment – Use Quink’ into Spanish as ‘Evite Embarazos – Use Quink’ … which also means ‘Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.’When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA – the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food i package labels.Coors slogan, ‘Turn it Loose,’ translated into Spanish as ‘Suffer From Diarrhea.’Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since ‘Puff’ is a colloquial term for whorehouse.Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means ‘Intimidating Green Ogre.’When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name … but the characters used for the name meant ‘Bite the Wax tadpole.’Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that ‘It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,’ but the Spanish translation came out as ‘It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.’The “Got Milk?” campaign was used in Mexico or wherever, and it translated as, “Are you lactating?”
Magic Johnson signed
Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed – a good $3 cup of coffee.
Thousand bucks!’
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready
to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at
each other, look at the guy and say, ‘Sure.’ About two holes into the game, the
friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The
stranger tells them he’s a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, ‘No really, I
am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a
look at it if you like.’ So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and,
sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited
and says, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?’ The hit man
replies, ‘Sure.’ So Jack looks and says, ‘YEAH! You can see my house! I can even
see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife. Wait, there’s my next
door neighbor! And he’s naked too!’ This really upsets Jack so he asks how much
it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ‘I get $1000 every time I pull the
trigger.’ Jack responds, ‘$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot
my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it.
Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around
with my wife.’ The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s
looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient
and asks, ‘What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, ‘Relax….. I’m about
to save you a thousand bucks!’
You so black
You so black, you sweat coffee
Old Engineers never die — they just have…
Old Engineers never die — they just have slower rise times.
A Man with an Ostrich and a Cat
A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and says, “What’ll it be?” The man says, “I’ll have a
pint”, and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a
pint as well.” says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and
says, “I suppose you want a drink, too.” The cat replies, “I’ll
have a half, but I ain’t payin’!” So the barman pulls two and a
half pints, and says, “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.”
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the
barman’s surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the
exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the
ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. “I’ll have a pint,”
says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich. The cat orders up
a half and says, “But I ain’t payin’!” Repeat of yesterday. The
bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening,
the trio enter again. “The same?” asks the barman. “Well,” says
the man, “it’s close to last orders. I’ll have a large scotch.”
He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, “I’ll have a
large scotch as well.” The cat says, “I’ll have a small
scotch…but I ain’t payin’!” The barman rings up the drinks and
turns, with a sly grin, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty,
please.” To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and
twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can’t contain
his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir, but before you leave
there’s something I must know…how do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket…every time?”
“Well”, says the man, “it’s a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and
when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but
as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I
rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes.”
“That’s fantastic,” says the barkeep, “What did you wish for?”
“If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there.” “That’s
brilliant,” says the barman, “most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live.” “That’s right, whether its a
quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there. The best thing I ever did!”
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, “One last
thing, sir… err, your friends there… we don’t get many cats
or ostriches drinkin’ in here…?” The man looks glum. “Yes, I
know. That’s probably the worst thing I ever did, but I’m stuck
with ’em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked
for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
Rejected Rejection Letter
Dear Hiring Manager, Thank you for your letter concerning my application for employment. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impos- sible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your com- pany’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department next week. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely,
Words of wisdom from Homer Simpson
“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”
“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
“To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”
“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.'”
“I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, ‘cover for me.’
Number two, ‘oh, good idea, boss.’
Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here.'”
“Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”
“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'”
“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
“Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?”
“We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
“Television – teacher, mother, secret lover!”
“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.'”