Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.
Author: admin
Drunk in bar
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, “Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?” The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.” The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?” The drunk says, “‘Cos I’m not finished yet…”
Bathroom Privileges
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.
Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10,1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 1999.
If an employee’s RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice print until the first of the month.
In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.
Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you supervisor.
Thank You!
Management
3 Types of People
There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.
2. Those who can’t.
Dyslexic
A dyslexic walks into a bra….
Cause Of Arthritis
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?” “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?” “I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
15 Ways To Uplift the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
The Top 15 Rejected Department of Homeland Security Slogans
15> Homeland Security: Taste the Rainbow
14> We’re Watching You, Commie
13> So Many Colors, So Little Time
12> We’ll Watch Over You Like a Big Brother
11> The Stealthy, Sneaky, Privacy-Invading Alert-Issuing Hide-Under-Your-Bed-While-Bush-Bombs-Iraq Agency
10> Now With 20 Percent Fewer Constitutional Freedoms!
9> Don’t Be Afraid of a Terrorist Iraqi — Just Move to Canada and Learn to Play Hockey!
8> Pay No Attention to the Economy Behind the Curtain!
7> Orange You Glad We Didn’t Say “Red”?
6> Whoa, That Bill Clinton Sure Was a Randy Son of a Gun!
5> Dude, Where’s Your Duct Tape?
4> Be Prepared. Wear Brown Pants.
3> Now With Color-Coded Garanimals Threat Charts!
2> Shhhh!!! We’re Hunting Wabbits.
1> Holy Shit!! What Was THAT!!!???
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Fishing Tips
A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.The man replies “This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love ’em”.The luckless man asks “But why do you smell each one?””Well..”he replies, ” he’s a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there”.
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so…
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge
for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, “Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a
few spots o’ rain, now?”
Sean replied, “I’m not…the fish come here fer shelter.”
A Moral Dilemma
Here’s a dilemma for you… With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.
Please don’t answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line – this is important for the test to work accurately.
You’re in Florida…In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is — it’s George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.
And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who…
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have
bad news for you.”