Author: admin

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”

The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s OJ Simpson’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”

Un barco estaba a punto de ser asaltado por piratas. En la cubierta, toda la tripulaci�n se preparaba a repeler el ataque. En ese momento el capit�n lanz� a su asistente personal una orden que llen� de coraje y valent�a a la tripulaci�n: “�Tr�eme la camisa roja! �Que todos puedan verme combatir valientemente! �Y si soy herido, que nadie pueda ver la sangre sobre mi camisa roja!”

Llega por fin el abordaje pirata y la tripulaci�n combate valerosamente, siguiendo el ejemplo de su capit�n. El barco pirata es hundido y los bandidos sobrevivientes capturados. La tripulaci�n felicita al capit�n y todo mundo festeja como se debe hasta que, ya tarde, se van a dormir.

En la madrugada, el vig�a los despierta a todos con un grito: “�Barcos piratas nos rodean! �Son al menos diez!”

El capit�n sale a cubierta, seguido de su asistente personal. Todo el mundo espera la frase del capit�n, la exhortaci�n al combate… Y el capit�n se vuelve hacia su asistente y le dice: “�Tr�eme el pantal�n caf�!”

What they say versus what they mean…

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can’t wait to hear your baloney.)

14. See me or let’s discuss. (Come to my office, I’ve screwed up again.)

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged. (Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development. (One finally worked)

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard! (That’s the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn’t get your e-mail.

Your mamma is like a vacumn cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets layed in the closet