yo mamma so fat when she went to walmart she triped over k-mart roled over walmart landed on target
Author: admin
Mother Passed Away
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”
To which the blonde replies…..”Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day…..we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”
The blonde very calmly states……”No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual… “If you need anything, just let me know.”
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, “What’s so bad now……..are you gonna be ok??”
“No……” exclaims the blonde. “I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!”
Alternatives to Win95
Microsoft’s ad slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?”
Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :
1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?
Young man from Aberdeen
The was a young man from Aberdeen,
Who invented a cock stroking machine,
on the 25th stroke,
the goddamn thing broke,
and beat his balls to cream.
Get in Line
One day in New Orleans, back in the ’80s, Tom Arnold was walking
down the street. Tom sat down and a few minutes later, he saw a
funeral procession heading his way. First came a hearse, then a
man crying his eyes out, next is a German Shepherd, and last is
a single file line of men.
Tom was curious so he walked up to the man who’s crying and
asked, “Who died?” The man replied, “My wife.” Tom asked, “Oh,
how sad. How did she die?” “My…my dog ate…ate her alive.”
Tom thought for a minute, decided the dog was big enough and
looked like he can hold a big meal so he asked, “Can I borrow
your dog?” The man replied, “Get in line!”
Clinton one-liner
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
Happy Birthday…yech!
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, “Please do me a favor. It feels like something’s stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?” His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce’s ass, feeling all around, and says, “I don’t feel anything.”
Bruce says, “Trust me, there’s something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.” So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce’s ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, “I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.”
Bruce starts singing, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”
Q: Why does Frankenstein always walk around…
Q: Why does Frankenstein always walk around groaning and saying “Eeehhhhh””?
A: Because he was screwed
“
Types of computer viruses
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
jack and jill went up a hill to do a little…
jack and jill went up a hill to do a little kissing. jack made a pass and grabbed jills ass and now his front teeth are missing
Jack
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three.”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” says the kid.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Ways to be Offensive at a Wedding
1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.
5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.
7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
8. Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.
9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
10. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.
11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”
14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
15. Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.
16. Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”
17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
18. If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.
19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”