Un hombre en su lecho

Un hombre en su lecho de muerte reuni� a su abogado, su doctor y el sacerdote de su parroquia y les entreg� a cada uno un sobre con $25,000 en efectivo. A cada uno le hizo prometer que tras su muerte pondr�an los tres sobres en su ataud, ya que quer�a tener suficiente dinero en la otra vida. Una semana m�s tarde el hombre muri�. En el velorio, el abogado, el doctor y el cura depositaron un sobre en el ataud y se despidieron de su amigo.

Casualmente, los tres se encontraron meses despu�s. El cura, sinti�ndose culpable, confes� que el sobre s�lo conten�a $10,000, ya que pens� que en lugar de desperdiciar ese dinero, pod�a aprovecharlo para una buena obra. El doctor, conmovido por la sinceridad del cura, confes� que �l tambi�n se hab�a quedado con parte del dinero y que el sobre s�lo conten�a $8,000.

Para entonces el abogado estaba que expoltaba de ira. Dijo que estaba profundamente desilusionado del comportamiento de sus dos amigo. Y a�adi�: “Yo soy el �nico que respet� la promesa que hicimos a nuestro amigo. Quiero que sepan que el sobre que puse en el ataud conten�a la cantidad completa. �De hecho, mi sobre conten�a mi cheque personal por los $25,000!”

Crazy Making Behavior

Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy now, this is only a joke, so
don’t try this at home!! 😉
MEN:
1.Ace the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2.Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3.Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4.Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest
that he’s gained a few pounds.
5.Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any
history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
6.”Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7.Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each
time.
8.Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more
than he does.”
9.Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit
unannounced.
10.Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, and then follow him with a camera to
capture his “sinking” on film.
11.Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
12.Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know
about to his younger brother, who he hates.

WOMEN:
1.Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
2.Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
different subject.
3.Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4.Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s
gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with
some meat on her bones.
5.Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
Georgia when your original destination was California.
6.Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
7.Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8.Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
9.Never give her a straight answer.
10.Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11.Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh!
Argh!)
12.Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13.Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14.Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid
murder defense in many states.)

The Top 14 Signs Your SUV Is Too Damn Big (Part II)

14> It’s impossible to drive it in ONLY Rhode Island.

13> Your threats to “turn around and end this trip right now!” must be phoned in to be heard.

12> Backing out of the driveway requires canal locks, four tugboats, a team of engineers and clearance from the FAA.

11> Al Roker’s bariatric surgeon recommends you bring it into the garage to have its engine stapled.

10> It has its own congressman.

9> Climate control includes settings for the ozone level.

8> When you floor it, the earth slows down a tad.

7> You’re spending too much time prying Honda Civics out of your tire treads.

6> Every time you fill up, Saddam Hussein goes, “Cha-CHING!”

5> You have a “War and Peace” bumper sticker — the entire novel.

4> Your penis is actually shrinking just to compensate.

3> Three times this week you had to get the dealer to scrape migrating geese off the bumper.

2> Greenpeace has assigned the “Rainbow Warrior” Micro Bus to position itself between your SUV and the endangered Isuzu Amigos.

1> Rebel forces mistake it for a small moon.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

How old is too old?

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, ‘My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.’ The second old fogey one-upped him and said, ‘My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.’ The third old man laughed and said, ‘That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!’

I Need A Drink!

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”

Satan

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Hey! Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

Police office George and officer Mary had…

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when when Mary said “Damn, I was
running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go
back to the station to get them.”

George replied “We don’t have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police
dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

It was a hot day, and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so
she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs,
sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up,
he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get
louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds
the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth!

And God Created a Sleeping Man

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband
would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her
husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke
him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as
always, fell asleep.
“Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” The wife stuck her
husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” The
preacher said, “That’s correct.” And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.
He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question “Who died on the cross to save us from
eternal damnation?” The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and
exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” And the preacher said, “Right again.” With this, the
husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The
husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
“What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?” the preacher asked. The
wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped
up and exclaimed, “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break
it in half!”

Unwilling Part in a Play

Johnny was made to take a part in his school play in order to
get a passing grade on his report card. Johnny stressed several
times that he could not remember the lines asigned to him to
recite. The night of the play came around and he again stressed
that he could not remember the lines he was to perform.

As his turn grew ever closer he studied his lines over and over
with little success in remembering them. Here is what Johnny was
supposed to recite. “Oh you alabaster witch, with turquoise eyes
and ruby lips, how you make my heart twitch, Shakespeare!”

As Johnny walked onto stage and saw the crowd looking intensely
at him his lines once again slipped from his mind. Here is what
he said. “Oh you Alabama Bitch, with turkey eyes and rubber
tits, how you make my asshole twitch, snake shit, bat shit, rat
shit, didn’t want to do this fucking play anyway.”