your momma is so fat, if she were bricks she would be the great wall of china
Author: admin
Wee-wee or Cock?
Tom’s dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He’d been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her.
As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, “Do you want to see my wee-wee?”
She yelled, “No! No! Please zip up your fly!”
Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.
On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result.
Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, “Honey, now that we’re married you can now look at what I’ve got here,” and proceeded to take out his dick.
She looked at it and said, “Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!”
Tom said, “No darling, you don’t have to call it a wee-wee anymore, you can call it a cock.”
She looked at it a while and then said, “No, Tom, what you have is a wee-wee. A ‘cock’ is long, thick, and black!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Snoring Wife
When his wife’s snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth.
‘Awk, glub!’ choked his startled wife. ‘What the…’
‘It’s okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin,’ he explained.
‘Why? I don’t have a headache!’
‘Great!’ said Harry, triumphantly. ‘Let’s Make Love!’
Joggers
A nude jogger was running past two old women.
One had a stroke, the other missed!
It’s a sick world out there
Don’t use your cutting board– use your toilet seat instead. After testing various household surfaces in 15 homes for bacteria, researchers from the University of Arizona told New Scientist magazine that toilet seats were much more hygienic than most kitchen surfaces… and cleaning the punchbowl is a snap…
A police officer in Dayton, Ohio has been acquitted of criminal charges after allegedly using pepper spray on Brandy Martin, a 17-year-old Wendy’s restaurant worker who short-changed him at the drive-in window… we would like to commend the officer for keeping his service revolver holstered during the entire ordeal…
Janet Downes of Bellevue, Nebraska has finally decided who she wants to marry: herself. Ms. Downes has announced plans to wed herself in front of a mirror with 200 friends and relatives in attendance… what do you get for the girl who is everything?
Simon and Schuster has rejected a book proposal from Unabomber Ted Kaczinski detailing misrepresentations during his trial. The 4-page proposal was mailed to a senior editor in a “small envelope…”
Heinz Deutsch, a resident of Pattaya, Thailand was found dead of a heart attack when his wife returned home from a shopping trip. Authorities believe that the man died from over-excitement while watching World Cup soccer on television… this can’t be right. I’ve SEEN soccer on television…
A Mount Clemens, Michigan man bet his friends that he could stay underwater and hold his breath longer than any of them. He won. Police said the man was under water for five minutes before his friends realised he wasn’t playing around. Authorities said an autopsy will determine the exact cause of death… although “not breathing” has to be right up there…
The Humane Society of Arizona has offered a $10,000 reward for information on a rash of “kitten tapings” in the Phoenix area. Someone has been using duct tape to adhere several kittens to the pavement on Interstate 10…
Girl Scouts in New York State have received permission to kill about 70 Canada geese at Camp Woodhaven, after non-lethal efforts to remove the birds have failed. “It looks very bad for the Girl Scouts to be killing animals,” said Esther Swanker, president of the Mohawk Girl Scout Council. “This will disturb a lot of people…” the good news: new pate-flavoured Girl Scout cookies…
A Dutch tourist in Spain was treated at a hospital for an adverse reaction to the drug Viagra. Doctors in Alicante reported that the man was suffering from “a 36-hour erection…” I can’t find this category
in the Guinness Book anywhere…
Health officials in the Philippines insist you don’t need Viagra, as long as you have regular blood-lettings. “Blood-letting is good for one’s health,” says regional health director Charito Alfonso-Awiten.
“The old cells in the body will be replaced, making the person look fresh and healthy…” you may also want to get rid of those old, tired internal organs too…
A former high school teacher in Compton, California has been convicted of filing a false police report after claiming that four students “soaked her in excrement.” Subsequent forensic tests indicated
that the bulk of the human waste was “inside (her) slacks…”
Rescue workers in Delafield, Wisconsin may send Kelli Elias a $2,500.00 bill for their most recent effort. Ms. Elias got lost in the woods, officials claim, for the “seventh time in a week…”
A couple in Harwood, North Dakota were surprised Friday morning when a strange man grabbed a beer from their refrigerator and walked into their bedroom. “Hey, what’s up?” asked Christopher Ramirez. Ramirez later told police he thought he was in a church… that would explain the beer…
Eight people were treated for bullet wounds after a gunfight broke out at the Alameda County Fair in Pleasanton, California this week. The San Francisco Examiner reported that the shooter and another man were fighting over the last prize at a basketball-toss game, a stuffed Tweety Bird… I tot I taw a AK-47…
Operators of a funeral home in Bradenton, Florida are in trouble over their religious beliefs. Bradenton police arrested Paula Albritton and her son, Jimmy Lee Clark, after finding a cadaver at their mortuary
with a chest cavity full of voodoo dolls…
A man at Miami International Airport jumped in an idling Florida Highway Patrol car and took off, hitting three cars before slamming into a tree. The man identified himself to police as Jesus Christ… when he
hit the tree, I distinctly heard him say “Jesus Christ…”
A Tallahassee, Florida teacher has resigned after a grand jury investigation decided he xercised “extremely poor judgement” in showing a violent horror film to his high school social studies class. Melvin Caswell says he was unaware of the controversial content of the movie, entitled “I Spit On Your Grave…”
A new Connecticut law has established a fund for people who are victims of dishonest lawyers. The Client Security Fund will cost lawyers and judges $75.00 a year… estimates are that the fund will reach 400 gazillion dollars by Friday…
Our Bozo of the Week Award goes to Howard Farmer, who allegedly robbed the Pulaski County, Arkansas bank, and was caught minutes later refuelling his getaway car at a nearby gas station…
Police in Wisconsin are investigating the shooting deaths of David Butcher and Roberta Stone, calling the crime a possible murder-suicide. Kenosha Sheriff’s Sgt. John Schwarz said, “They had an on-again,
off-again relationship…” I guess it’s off again…
Dumb Blonde
Two teens, a blonde and a redhead were at a river. The blond was on one side of the river and the redhead was on the other side. The redhead yelled over to the blonde “Do you know how i can get to the other side of the river?”” The blonde yelled back “”You are on the other side of the river!””
“
Yo Mama is so FAT
Yo mama so fat that she is the one who created potholes.
Clinton Fart
Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.
First surgeon: “I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man’s leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he’s recovered fully he does the work of five guys.”
Second surgeon: “That’s really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He’s so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!”
Third surgeon: “Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he’s so good he’s putting this entire country out of work!”
Moon Talking
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. Armstrong explained, �When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
A tourist walked into a pet
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ”That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ”That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, ”Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ”That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”
”Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ”That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied, ”Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”
NEW AGE LULLABY
Hush little baby don’t you squall
Momma’s gonna buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can’t see beyond
Momma’s gonna buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand don’t change your fate
Momma’s gonna teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma’s gonna buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she�ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don’t float your bones
Momma’s gonna buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don’t ease your heart
Momma’s gonna buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma’s gonna buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma’s gonna buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma’s gonna buy you a pyramid.
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma’s gonna take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don’t come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it’s just your karma.