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One for my friend

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Sven and Osmond are good friends.

Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.

This is a tradition that goes on for some time.

One day, Osmond says to Sven, “Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.”

Sven considers this and agrees.

Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.

This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.

One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, “But, Sven, aren’t you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?”

Sven says, “Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don’t think that Osmond should be punished for that.”

Christmas Carols for the Dysfunctional

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SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll
tell you Why.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…. (better start
again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

We Don’t Say Damn

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A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, “Damn!”.

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, “Not even when its all fucked up?!”

Dwarf’s mate

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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I Simply couldn’t get an erection.” The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he asked. “I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

Question is too easy

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ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill — and got full credit.– Contributed to “Tales Out of School” by Joe Astorino � 1996 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.