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After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers.
En route, he bumps into Judge Graham.
�Say,� Poe asks, �what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?�
�Christ,� Graham replies. �Five or six bucks, tops.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Men’s Rules for Women
* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.
* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.
* We don’t know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don’t even ask.
* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…
* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.
* Actually, you probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking.
* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.
* Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
* Curley is the bald one.
* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.
* Socks never constitute a gift.
* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
* When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
* No, you can’t have the remote control.
Clinton floated a strike on baseball’s opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.
Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the
typical civics presentation, he announces, “All right, boys and girls, you can
all ask me questions now.”
A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, “I have 3 questions: 1.
How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using
the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans’ civil liberties? 3. Why hasn’t the U.S.
caught Osama Bin Laden yet?”
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.
Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.
Ashcroft says, “I’m sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can
all ask me questions.”
A young girl raises her hand and says, “I have 5 questions: 1. How did
Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA
Patriot Act to limit Americans’ civil liberties? 3. Why hasn’t the U.S. caught
Osama Bin Laden yet? 4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? 5. Where’s
Bobby?”
11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, “You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!”
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say “Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!”
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to “vote them off
the island” the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from “Frasier” will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn’t get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with “And that’s the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so.”
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching “ER”.
and the number one reason you know you’ve been watching too much
TV…
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
“Is that your final answer?”
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide don’t come in!
Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!
Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!
Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!
Your Momma so fat her belt size says “equator”.
I Blame Microsoft
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from
politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish!'”.
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
A blonde goes in to a hardware store, walks up to the counter and asks, “Can I buy that TV?”
The guy replies “No” so the blonde goes outside and dyes her hair brown and goes back in and asks, “Can I buy that TV?”
Again, the guy replies “No” so she goes back outsite and dyes her hair black, then goes back in and asks, “Can I buy that TV?” Not surprisingly, the guy replies “No” again, so in desperation the girl goes back outside and shaves her hair completely off.
Finally, she walks back in the store and asks “Can I buy that TV?”, to which the guy replies “No”.
Frustrated, she asks “Why won’t you sell that TV?”
The guy says, “Two reasons, actually. First, you’re the same silly blonde who keeps coming in here with dyed hair, and second, it’s a microwave!”
It�s the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they got.
The first kid says, “What�d you get?”
The second kid replies, “Man, I made out! I got Pokemon stuff, Nintendo, a stereo, a bike and a whole lot more! What�d you get?”
“Oh, I just got a baseball glove and a bat,” says the first kid.
“Wow, that�s pretty rough,” says the second kid.
“Yeah, well, I�m not dying of cancer.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing
A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman. She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door. She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, “Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?” Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, “OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage.” When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, “$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She must have, she was standing right on it.” About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there. She tells him that she’s done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats. As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, “Oh, and by the way, that isn’t a Porsche-it’s a Ferrari.”