Courage is your greatest present need.
Author: admin
A good wife
John wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a splitting headache and cotton-mouth, and is unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After going to the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs, where his wife puts a cup of coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moans, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she says, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors and insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an idiot,” John says. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” she replies, “and he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” John says.
“I did,” she replies. “You’re back at work on Monday.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A tomato in an elevator
Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Confucious
“Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.”
“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”
“Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone.”
“Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!”
“Work to become, not to acquire.”
“Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.”
“A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
“Find old man in dark, not hard!”
“Man who smoke pot choke on handle.”
“Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose.”
“Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”
“Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.”
“Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”
“Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”
“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser.”
“Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
“It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
“Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”
“Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
“Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
“Confucius say too God damn much!”
“Those who quote me are fools.”
“Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
“Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!”
“Man who sit on tack get point!”
“Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!”
“Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!”
“War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”
“Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit”
“Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”
“Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.”
“Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.”
“Passionate kiss like spider web — lead to undoing of fly.”
“Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.”
“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night”
“Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
“Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok”
“Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.”
“Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent
1 way to drown a blonde
Q.
How do you drownd a Blonde?
A.
stick a scrach & sniff at the bottum of a pool!
Al Gore’s Piercing
Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney.
Dumb mum
your mums so dumd when the computer said press any key she started too look for the any key button
Dear Ex-Valentine
Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…
Dear Ex-Valentine,
I’m so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you around.
— Your Ex
Questions and Answers…whew!
Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They’re hiring.
Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) “Dam.”
Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path.
Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids.
Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association.
Q.) What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A.) Nacho Cheese.
Q.) What do you call Santa’s helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses.
Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko.
Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite.
Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck.
Q.) What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef.
Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) They all have phones.
Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A.) Sanka.
Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A.) Because they have big fingers.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A.) A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.
Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A.) A stick.
Blonde on a roof
How do you get a blonde on a roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house!
Food is an important part
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery….
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.