A worried father confronted his daughter one night.”I don’t like that new boyfriend, he’s rough and common and bloody stupid with it.””Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”
Author: admin
First Law of Bicycling:
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it’s uphill and against the wind.
‘Twas The Night Before Xmas- Redneck
‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”
“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.
He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
“Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!
I took an IQ test
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The dog is not allowed in the house….
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep
with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
The Blonde Safety Net
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
Building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding
a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to
survive!”
The Brunette jumps and SWISHES! The firemen yank the blanket away…the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
“C’mon! Jump! You got to jump!’ say the firemen to the
Redhead.
“Oh no! You’re going to pull the blanket away!” says the redhead.
“No! Its Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with
Redheads!”
“OK” says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
Firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like
a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again,The firemen yell
“Jump! You have to jump!”
“No way! You’re just going to pull the blanket away!” yelled the Blonde.
“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!”
“Look,” the Blonde says, “Nothing you say is going to
Convince me that you’re not going to pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .”
Can You Read This?
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.
Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can’t read his notes. So he asks, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
Feel like a woman
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails.
Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says.
He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Not sweet?
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young blonde raised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?”
“That’s correct,” responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class… and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic…
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Yisman
The Therapist
A guy goes to the doctor very woried and says to the doctor that
he does not like women, he says that he does not know why, but
that he just doesn’t. Then the doctor says well i can’t help you
with that you must go to a therapist.a year passed since the guy
had seen the doctor again, one day he passes by the doctor’s
office and goes to say hi. Then he says well was it the women
your therapist or a guy. He respondes back, it was a guy. Well
then, did he fix your problem, well yeah. then he goes did you
get married, and the guy says yes. then the doctor says with
whom, well the doctor was waiting for about 5 minutes, he goes
well tell me. The guy says shylly, well with the therapist.
Quote: i am not trying to offend any gay or lesbian people.
Top 10 reason for being from all sorts of places
I couldn’t work out whether to laugh or be offended by some of these!TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH1.Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah doo-dah.2.Proper beer3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events5.Union jack underpants.6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.8.Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.9.Ditto changing underwear10.Beats being Welsh.10a. Or ScottishTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.2.Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.4.If there’s a war you can surrender really early.5.You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street > humiliating your sense of national pride.9.You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.10.People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN1.You can have a woman president without electing her.2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.3.You can call Budweiser beer.4.You can be a crook and still be president.5.If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.6.If you can breathe you can get a gun.7.You get to be really obese.8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.9.You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”10.You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.10a. When you’re not.10b. At all.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.2.Unembarrassed to wear fur.3.No need to worry about tax returns.4.Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.5.Can wear sunglasses inside.6.Political stability.7.Flexible working hours.8.Live near the Pope.9.Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.10.Country run by Sicilian murderersTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH1.Glorious history of killing South American tribes.2.The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.3.You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.4.The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.5.Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.6.Honesty7.Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.8.You get to eat bulls’ testicles.9.Gibraltar.10.Supported Argentina in Falklands War.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN1. Chicken Madras2. Lamb Passanda3. Onion Bhaji4. Bombay Potato5. Chicken Tikka Masala6. Rogan Josh7. Popadoms8. Chicken Dopiaza9. Meat Boona10. Kingfisher lagerTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSHYou’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you ?TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH1.Guinness.2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.3.You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.4.Pubs never close.5.Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second VaticanCouncil of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex > with a condom on.6.No one can ever remember the night before.7.Kill people you don’t agree with.8.Stew.9.More Guinness.10.Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3am in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN1.It beats being an American.2.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.3.You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.4.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.5.Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?6.A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.7.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.8.Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house intheir skins.9.Own-an-Eskimo scheme.10.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN1.Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.2.Coopers Beer3.Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.4.Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.5.Tact and sensitivity.6.Bondi Beach.7.Other beaches.8.Liberated attitude to homosexuals.9.Drinking cold lager on the beach10.Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.–From Kaz(but not written by!)
Blind Folx
I really don’t know, but I wonder:
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?