Yours Fun Portal !
Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they’re often under increasing pressure from a society which over- simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes.
…or is it because they’re ugly and they smell bad?
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B- Beer: It’s whats for dinner.
C- Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night
party.
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks
pathetic.
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking
party.
F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you
drank.
I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.
J- Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.
K- Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving
alcohol.
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t
know.
O- Oh shit!: What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer.
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the
morning. YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the
toilet.
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were
drunk.
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don’t mind eating after you’ve
consumed the whole bottle.
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different.
Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle classPresident Bill Clinton: Wants to raise themCandidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social SecurityPresident Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefitsCandidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cutsPresident Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increasesCandidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxesPresident Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billionCandidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cutsPresident Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts
The night before Y2K
‘Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol’ Buggy
Wouldn’t stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger?”
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A whore met a plastic surgeon and asked him to make another hole
“What you need anoda hole for?” Asked the surgeon.
“Business is good” Replied the whore “So I want to open another branch”!
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?A: Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Clinton doesn’t knowthe difference!
Q:Why do fagets were a ribbed condome
A:Better traction in the mud
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know about:
660
Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI
Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000
Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666
Number of the Millibeast
/ 666
Beast Common Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2)
Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66 e3
Floating point Beast
1010011010
Binary of the Beast
6, uh… what was that number again?
Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666
Area code of the Beast
00666
Zip code of the Beast
666mph
The speed limit of the Beast
$665.95
Retail price of the Beast
$699.25
Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95
Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66
Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66
Next week’s Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666
Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666
Way of the Beast
666 F
Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k
Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg
Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %
5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.
$666/hr
Beast’s lawyer’s billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6
Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66
Word Processor of the Beast
i66686
CPU of the Beast
666i
BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A
Beast’s hexed address
668
Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333
The semi-Christ
665.9997856
The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman’s appearance. “Honey, you’re just a young thing,” she remarked, “but you look like hell. What’s up?””I’ve been double-crossed,” the miserable bride moaned. “When he said he’d been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!”
A fin de someterse a un examen m�dico general, una superabundante chica acude a una cl�nica. El m�dico le ordena que se desvista por completo para proceder a realizarle un minucioso examen. Cuando termina, con el rostro afligido, el galeno le informa con solemnidad:
“Se�orita, lamento mucho tener que decirle algo”.
“�Qu�, doctor?”, pregunta consternada la mujer.
“Que se vista”, dice con un profundo suspiro de resignaci�n.
In a Bangkok dry-cleaner’s shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags & send them in all
directions.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon
having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride own your
own ass?