Never pass a snow plow on the right.
Author: admin
The Poor Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m
going to give you some money.
“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied. “But why?”
“Because,” the boy responded, “my daddy says you’re one of the poorest
preachers we’ve ever had.”
So stupid
yo mamma is so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed
Dead birdie
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly,
the blonde’s friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up
and said, Where?
Tilt
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems ok, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol’ wan is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except them feckers won’t let me fart.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Tantilazing
I am NEVER flying again!
10.) “We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start
at twenty dollars.”
9.) “I’m sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat
on board. We don’t yet know the effects of high radiation on our
feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.”
8.) “Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage
and no, you don’t want to know it’s origin. I recommend you
refrain from opening your suitcase.”
7.) “Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the
security officer had to confiscate them. What? He’s smoking
them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!”
6.) “I’m sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover
punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it
also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions
prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased
package.”
5.) “Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been
delayed.”
4.) “Due to fog at O’Hare we would like to ask all terrorists to
refrain from detonating their bombs until the second half of our
flight at which point we will light up the detonation light.
This is to allow us sufficient time to crash into the ground as
scheduled.”
3.) “Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting.”
2.) “We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating
circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have
additional shots of tequila.”
1.) “This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now
observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar … oh, SHIT!” I am
Actual Written Excuses
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
More Redneck Clues.
Even more clues you could be a Redneck…
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes “oink!”
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
Giant twinkie
Your mama’s so fat a school bus drove by and she yelled, “Stop that giant
twinkie!!”
A good smoke
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, “Now listen buddy, if you don’t stop calling me that I’ll kick your head in!”
Robbed A Bank
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard!
It must be true that
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?