Yo Mamma so Fat and clumsy she triped ova K-Mart and landed on Target!
Author: admin
Found In A fortune Cookie
You have a slanted view of reality and in all reality, banned from leaving your house.
Most people are usually afraid of you, and only pretend to like you so you don’t go crazy and shove pig parts up their asses while they sleep.
Other then that, you’re a great person.
The Bosses’ Itinerary
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours.
Agenda follows:
Day 1: The “10 Deadliest Snakes” Fall Tour.
You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The “Great White Encounter”.
You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of theGreat White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal “Festival of Spears”.
You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a specialweapons exhibition.
Day 4: The “Crocodile Dundee” Petting Zoo.
You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: “Those Marvelous Morays”.
This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of StubbyHand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip!Your loyal employees.
If you don’t have someone
If you don’t have someone tracking you down you haven’t exhausted your
credit options.
Women in Washington
When women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the
President, 86% said “Not again.”
Tip Off
I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card through the card reader, she loudly called out to her manager, “Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says REJECTED?”
As the women’s faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen walked out from the kitchen. “Well,” he answered, wiping his hands, “the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip.”
Gorbachev and Bush
Told to me by my father, who heard it from his cousin?
Gorbachev is hard at work on his country’s budget. His secretary
Knocks on the door. “Mr. Secretary, the–“
“Not now, I’m busy!”
“But…”
“Net! Come back in two hours.”
Thirty seconds later, she knocks again. “Mr. Secretary, the
Phone… you must answer it.”
“Can’t you see I’m working on the budget? I must have silence.
Have them call back tomorrow.”
“But Mr. Secretary, it’s Mr. Bush on the phone. He says he has 5
Billion dollars for you, and you don’t have to pay any of it back!”
Gorbachev smiles and picks up the phone. “Hello, Neil…”
Formula 1 Mix Up
After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the
pit lane.
The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real
problem.
No only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they’d re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!
Drunk
Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points
to the guy in the middle and says, “Hey you! I just screwed your
mom and it was soooo great!” By then everyone was expecting a
fight. But the guy didn’t do nothing. So the Drunk man goes and
sits in the other side of the bar.
15 minutes later he comes back and points at the same guy and
says, “I just had the sex with your mom, and it was SWEEET..”
Everyone was really expecting a fight this time, but then again
nothing happened and the Drunk man goes back to the other side
of the bar.
Then again another 15 min. pass and the guy comes back and says,
“I saw…” and the other man interuped him, turned to him and
says, “Dad, your drunk! Go Home!”
Rude
hookers are just like bowling balls u pick em up u finger them and u throw back in the guuter
Owning a new pet fish
Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him tosing like a bird.Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
Scotsman, Whisky And Local Pub
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off
considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he
felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman
snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, “I’ve always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt.”
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what
nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be
rewarded!” So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around
what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and
walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve him. He raised his
kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of
bewilderment, the Scotsman said…
” I dinna know where y’been lad…but its nice ta’know y’won first prize!”