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Preparation For Parenthood

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Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

Ketchup and Liquor…

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(This is a joke for you and a friend. Tell your friend that everytime you ask a question to answer with “Ketchup and liquor”)

You: What did you have for breakfast?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: What did you have for lunch?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: What did you have for dinner?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: You see a hott girl walking down the street. What do you do?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.

Tick Tock

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A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his dick on the counter.

“What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks. “This is a clock shop!!”

He replied, “I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!!”

A hip young man goes out and buys the best…

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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996
Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world,
and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing
so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”

The young many replies “A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.”

“That’s a lot of money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost
so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool
dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”

“Sure” replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car,
all right!” Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!”

“What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?” the
young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooosshh!
It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the
moped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Turbo
BeepBeep?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooshka-BbblaMMM! It
plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it IS the old man!!! Of
course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up
to the dying old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I
can do for you?”

The old man groans and replies “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!”

Four guys commiserating about their sons

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Four guys are hanging out at a bar, and one gets up to go to the bathroom. While he is gone, one of the others sparks up a conversation about his son.He says, “I was afraid to think of my son’s future when he was working as a secretary for a Real estate agency, but when he left that job, he started his own agency, and he’s so rich now, that he gave his best friend a new house for his birthday!”Another man says, “I thought my son was going nowhere when he had a job getting coffee for a stockbroker, but when he left that job, he started playing the market, and now he’s so rich, he gave his best friend a million dollars in stock for his birthday!”Another man says, “I thought my son wasn’t going anywhere with his job as a secretary in a car dealership, but now he owns his own dealership, and he gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday!”The fourth man returned from the bathroom, and they asked him about his son.The fourth man replied, “Well, I fear for my son’s future because he’s a hair stylist, and last year, I found out that he was gay, but, on the plus side, his four boyfriends gave him a new house, a million in stock, and a Mercedes for his birthday.”

Keeping In Under The Kilt

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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age”
and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before,
his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material
he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d
like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d
like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might
drafty up dem tings!” So the tailor took the material and promised to call the
young lad when the order was completed. A few days later, the tailor called the
lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and
here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and
keep it in case you want anything else made of it.” So the lad rushed home with
his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his
excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new
purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When
his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “well, what’d
ye think?” “Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed. “Aye, and if ye
like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt
to show here. ;Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still
not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly,
“aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human…

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
the young Engineer fresh out of Stanford, “And what starting salary
were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car
leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

Lying Politicians

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A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s
field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He
then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the
local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the
politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some
of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

The history teacher announced that

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The history teacher announced that the students who could tell her the
source of the following famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
“The first quote is: ‘Four score and seven years ago…'”

Cathy raised her and and answered “Abe Lincoln”.

“Very good Cathy, you may go home,” said the teacher. “The next quote is
‘Give me liberty or
give me…”

Jane raised her hand and blurted out “Patrick Henry.”

“Very good Jane, you may also leave.”

Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back
of the room the whole time and the teacher never acknowledged him and she
said that would be all for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said “Stupid Bitches (women) if it weren’t for them
none of this ever would’ve happened” The teacher turned around and said
“Who said that!” The boy blurts out “Bill Clinton now can I go
home!”