After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says “Hey Sen~or, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.”The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.”He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says “Give me a Coke.”The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”The Guinness president replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
Author: admin
Drunk Words
Difficult words to say when you are drunk……
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk…..
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
How about you?
Two men at the same hotel are out on the balcony.
First man-I’m on my honeymoon. How about you?
Second man-Yeah, me too.
First man-I had sex with my wife before we were married. How about you?
Second man-Shit, I don’t know. What was her maiden name
The expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t
want to try these techniques at home.”
� Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
� I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained.
“She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,
often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you
try carrying several things at once?'”
� Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.
� Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make
breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
Why don’t old men eat their wives out?…
Why don’t old men eat their wives out?
Have you ever pulled grilled cheese apart?
I don’t repeat gossip.
I don’t repeat gossip. So listen carefully…
Tarzan and Jane
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years
with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees
for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this
legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and
discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She
watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came
out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on
the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in
the crotch. In pain she screamed “What the hell did you do that
for?” Tarzan replied, “Always check for squirrels.”
Confucious say
confucious say crowded elavator smell different to midget
Mount Everest
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten
were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If
that didn’t happen the rope would break and everyone would
perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The
blondes all applauded.
Republicans
You may be a republican if:
– You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
– You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”
– You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
– You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend”
– You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to welfare.
– You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
– You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
– The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because
heck, they’re richer than you.
– You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
– You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
– You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
– You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
– You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the
sons of bitches.”
– You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
– You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
– You answer to “The Man.”
– You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
– You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
– You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
– You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
– You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western
values.”
– When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
– You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
– You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
– You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.
– Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
– You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.
– You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
– You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
– You’ve ever called education a luxury.
– You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
– You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
– You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
– You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
– You’re afraid of the liberal media.”
– You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition
dictates….”
– You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash
can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to
society.”
– You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
– You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
Your Momma so stupid
Your momma so stupid, when she went to court, after the jugde yelled order in the court she said
yeah give me a large order of fries and a cheeseburger.
Un tipo est� parado en
Un tipo est� parado en una esquina fum�ndose un pucho; en eso ve un Renault Megane �ltimo modelo, amarillo, parado en el sem�foro. Del interior del auto, un sujeto le hace se�as:
“Ven�, aguant� que estaciono”.
El tipo se acerca al veh�culo con admiraci�n:
“�Qu� hac�s, jet�n? �Qu� hac�s? �Mir� la plata que hiciste! �Te ganaste el loto?”
“No, laboro en los ba�os de Constituci�n”.
“�C�mo?”
“S�, escucha: yo entro al ba�o y hago que estoy meando; cuando entra un tipo a mear, saco la navaja, le agarro la poronga y le digo: me das la plata o te la corto. Y as� saco $700 mangos por d�a”.
“�Uh, qu� bueno! �Vos crees que yo podr�a probar?”
“Y s�, todo depende de vos. Toma, esta es la navaja, anda, hace lo que te cont� y ma�ana hablamos, �dale!”
“�Dale!”
Al otro d�a se encuentran de nuevo estos dos personajes:
“�Y c�mo te fue?”
“B�rbaro, hice $40 mangos”.
“�Eso s�lo?”
“S�, pero… �Mir� la poronga que me traje, pelotudo!”