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The elephant

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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.

The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when
the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the
little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you
call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him – I was just trying to
trip him up.”

A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes…

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A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes leaning on his
shoulders with dewy looks in their eyes, and a dwarf who’s only two feet
tall. He orders drinks for himself and his companions, paying from a
fat roll of twenty-dollar bills. The dwarf jumps up on the bar, and
runs up and down the whole length of the bar kicking over everybody’s
drinks. The bartender and the other patrons are rather perturbed by
this, but the guy says, “Never mind, I’ll buy a fresh round of drinks
for everybody,” pulling out more twenties.

As soon as the bartender has finished setting everybody up again,
the dwarf jumps back up on the bar and kicks over everybody’s drinks
again. The bartender says, “That’s it: you and your friends, out!”

The guy says, “Never mind, just set everybody up again, and I’ll
control the dwarf this time, and I’ll pay for it, and here’s an extra twenty
for your trouble.”

The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t understand why you put up
with him.”

The guy says, “It happened like this. I found an old oil lamp,
and being superstitious I rubbed it, and sure enough, out came a genie
and granted me three wishes. I asked for a roll of twenties that would
never end: POOF, there it was. I asked for two lovely blonde women, one
for each arm, who are totally devoted to me: POOF, there they were. So
finally I asked for a two-foot prick: POOF, there he was.”

The Orgin of One Man’s Sex Life

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It seems when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed
upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, “Only twenty
years of normal sex life?” But the Lord was adamant that was all man could
have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. “But I don’t need
20 years,” he protested, “ten’s plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly, “Can
I have the other 10?” The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years. And the lion, like
the monkey, wanted only 10. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other
10?” The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years. But like the others, ten
was sufficient. And again man pleaded, “Can I have the other 10?” The
donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, plus 10 years of
monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making an ass
out of himself.

The Top 16 Things Observed at Harley-Davidson’s 100th Anniversary Bash

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16> Not nearly as much leather on display as at last month’s Greater Milwaukee Dominatrix-and-Slave Convention.

15> Side trip to watch the Milwaukee Brewers canceled when it’s discovered that they’re a baseball team.

14> Drugs of choice? Tums, Viagra and sponsor Jack Daniel’s new “Hard Fiber” drink.

13> Jay Leno tarnishing the biker image by sporting a Hello Kitty T-shirt under his leather jacket.

12> Circa 1906 sepia prints of the first Harley mama to hoist her petticoat upon the beseechment “Prithee, display for us your cat-heads, madame!”

11> Thanks to “Hooked on Phonics,” most of the last decade’s tattoos were spelled correctly.

10> The teeth-to-tattoos ratio needs scientific notation to be expressed properly.

9> The mechanic who assembled the very first Harley showed up with his new girlfriend, Anna Nicole Smith.

8> In a stunning change, Siegfried for once taking the back seat to Roy.

7> Harley president’s speech interrupted by the dramatic drive-by of two hundred Segway-riding nerds.

6> Many of the bikers complaining that the teenagers at the campsite next door were making too much noise.

5> The two biggest gangs? Hell’s Lawyers and the Wild Accountants.

4> By the end of the weekend, legions of bandaged and bleeding hardcore outlaw bikers all regret having laughed at Rosie O’Donnell.

3> (1) Some celebrities are not universally recognized.
(2) All of the “Fab Five’s” heads fit in one dufflebag.

2> “I call it ‘Rolling Thunder’ — but my doctor calls it a spastic colon.”

1> Putting on the magical Sorting Hat to separate attendees into the two Harley Houses of Badassdor and Poseurpuff.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]