Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Author: admin
Ready for some Football?
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –
“Touchdown, tie score!”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –
“Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –
“Touchdown, tie score!”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –
“Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!”
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”
A donkey is a horse
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
Walkin' in a Dog
(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)Dogs tags ring, are you listening’?In the lane, snow is glistening’.It’s yellow, not white — I’ve been there tonight,Marking up my winter wonderland.Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants;”Avoid where I pee, it’s my property!Marked up as my winter wonderland.”In the meadow dad will build a snowman,following the classical design.Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go, man,So all the world will know it’s mine-mine-mine!Straight from me to the fence post,flows my natural incense boast;”Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,I mark it as my winter wonderland.”
Bill The Duck
A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, “Gimme a chap stick.”
The pharmacist asks the duck, “Will that be cash or charge?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”
The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, “Give me a box of condoms.”
The clerk says, “Do you want me to also put them on your bill?”
The duck says, “Hell no, I’m not that kind of duck!”
your momma so fat i have to roll over twice…
your momma so fat i have to roll over twice just to get on the other side
You’re a redneck if ….
You’re a redneck if …. Your sister’s education goal is to get out of high
school before she gets pregnant.
Lone Ranger and Tonto
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were surrounded by Indians who wanted
to kill them. The Lone Ranger looked over at Tonto and said,
“Tonto, what do we do now?” Tonto looked back and said, “What’s
this ‘WE’ shit, white man?!”
Sticks and stones may break
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.
Silent Battle With The Pope
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.
“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”
Ho Ho Ho?
Why does Santa say ho ho ho?
Because those are all the people he slept with the night before!
New Truck, Old Dog
Michigan, USA.
Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it’s all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.
Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now. The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo’s now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.
Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find covep, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.
The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice. BOOM ! Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.
I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.