Author: admin

Purchasing a new bird

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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became
completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all
day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the
husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then
one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy
chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of
its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a
special imported “Goony bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate,
he exclaimed, “Goony bird! The table!”

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury
attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful
forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Goony bird!
The shelf!”

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

“Wow!” said the wife, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing
will!” So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa
guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a
surprise for you! A Goony bird!”

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, “Goony Bird, my foot!”

How true it is.

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Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin–January 1st 2000 or 2001.

So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year “1” and ends with year “100”-thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.

To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.
Each boy correctly answered “15”.

His next question was, “Now which berry is number ‘0’?”
To which one boy blurted out, “The one that isn’t there!”

Things Not to Say to Parents

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10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”
9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”
8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”
7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
6. “I just got my license today.”
5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.”
4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.'”
1. “So, does your wife just lie there during sex too?

Interview with Barbra Walters

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Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of some
American Indians. After the tour of the reservation, she asked
why the difference in the number of feathers in a headress. His
reply was, “Me have only one squaw so me only have one feather.”

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was putting
her on. This brave had four feathers. He replied. “Me have four
feathers, because me sleep with four squaws.”

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number
of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the
chief had a headress, full of feathers. Needless to say, this
intrigued Ms. Walters.

She asked the chief, “Why do you have so many feathers in your
headress?” The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, “Me
chief, me fuck-em all.”

Horrified. Ms. Walters said, “You aught to be hung!” The chief
replied, “Damn right, me hung like buffalo.”

Ms. Walters cried, “You don’t have to be so hostile!” The chief
replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolfstyle,
any-style. Me fuck-em all!”

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, “Oh dear!” The chief
said, “No deer… me fuck no deer, assholes too high and the
fuckers run too fast. No fuck-em deer.”

The Firetruck

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There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with it’s sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course they had their own explanations for this.

Little girl, “The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put the fire out.”

Another little girl, No, the dog is there to give the firemen good luck.”

And last but not least a little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying, “No, no, no!!! The dog is needed to find the hydrant!”

A Fart Smeller or A

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There’s a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctor’s only reaction to this was…”It’s good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing….”

That hard!

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’

She replies, ‘if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.’

Fun things to do in the mall

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1.Lie in the middle of the mall, motionless. Scare anyone who
comes near you.
2.Walk up to someone and say “I know where you live. I just
don’t know where I live, can you help me?”
3.Start a song
4.Hide in fake plants and throw french fries at people
5.camp out
6.Visit santa several times. try to cut in line.
7.Try on all the shoes in a shoe store.
8.Take the coins people throw in the fountain
9.replace a manakin with yourself
10.Act mentally retarted and go around asking people if they’ve
seen your baseball
11.Hide and go seek
12.Buy fish from a pet store and release them in the fountain
13.Take a stroller and put a baby doll in it. Run it around at
high speeds and let it go.
14.try to start a cult
15.baptise someone in the fountain
16.steal all the straws and napkins in the food court. sell them
at high prices
17.water fake plants
18.”test” the chairs until they kick you out.
19.Take a nap in a display bed
20.Wear cruthes. Fall down and see how many people help you
21.try to “posess” somebody
22.perform an exorcism on an old, grumpy person
23.Have a staring contest with the manakins
24.Get into a violent argument with a manakin
25.sit next to someone on a bench. Then say “did you grab my
ass?”
26.Pretent to be blind. Take a cane and whack people with it
27.wear a sign that says Pony Ride: 25 cents!
28.walk around in an orange jumpsuit.
29.confiscate items that people have already bought
30.Walk up to some one and say proudly “I remembered my pants
today!

By Bink2001 “Funny.com saved my life!”