This 78-year-old woman was feeling ill, and she went to the doctor for a check-up. After the physical examination, the doctor announced, “I have some exciting news for you: you’re going to have a baby! Wouldn’t you like to call someone?” “Sure, I need to call my husband; he’s 83 years old.”She calls home and the husband answers: “You old goat, you got me pregnant,” she rants into the phone.Panicked, the husband screams, “WHO IS THIS?”
Author: admin
Yo mama is so short
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Estaban todos los animales de
Estaban todos los animales de la selva reunidos, cuando el le�n les anuncia:
“Compa�eros, los voy a llevar de paseo a un lugar muy bonito”.
En aquel momento, el sapo exclama:
“�F�jate, qu� suave!”
El le�n, irritado, lo ve con malos ojos y prosigue:
“Y, adem�s, habr� mucha comida y diversi�n”.
Todos las criaturas aplauden y gritan:
“�Ea! �Hurra!”
Y el sapo:
“�F�jate, qu� suave!”
El le�n, que ya estaba muy enojado les dice:
“Ah, pero eso si, no podr� ir un animal que sea verde; que tenga unos ojos saltones y una enorme bocota”.
“�Ya te chingaste, pinche cocodrilito!”, se burla el sapo.
Corny Pickup Lines
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
~~~
Man: Hey come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
~~~
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
~~~
Man: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
~~~
Man: I’d go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let’s start with your bank account.
~~~
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine!
~~~
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman:Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
~~~
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
~~~
Man: Oh! baby are you hurt?”
Woman: No, Why?”
Man: “It’s a long fall from Heaven.”
~~~
Man: If I could redo the alphabet, I would put U and I right beside each other!
~~~
Woman: You look just like my third husband.”
Man: Oh, really? How many times have you been married?
Woman: Twice.
~~~
Man: Are you from Tennessee?
Woman: No. Why?
Man: Because you are the only ten I see!
Fun with Cars
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Be My Wife
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Break My Windows
Brutal Money Waster
Business, Money and Woman
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!
FORD
backwards –. Driver Returns On Foot
Fault Of R & D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man’s Companion
Got a Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive . . .
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
PROTON
Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays.
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjecT
Big foot and indian
What is the diffrence between big footand a hard working indian? one has actchwelly been sighted
Heaven Can Wait
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears
horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She
asks St. Peter, “What’s going on?”
He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes
drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled
into their heads for their halos.”
She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go
to Hell.”
St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and
sodomized.”
She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”
DEFINITION OF A TEENAGER
Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups
in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo sapiens due to
physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many
researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species
altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer
groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and
responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can
consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are
usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides
and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract
males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and
shrill: “Like, O m’Gosh! O m’ Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other
males with a salutatory “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold
telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged
for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, “I’m doing my HOMEWORK. My
HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.” The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving
energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers
concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking
dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo sapiens
families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one
Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite,
rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this
rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the
host Homo sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.
2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or
inexplicable behavior. (“She’s a Teenager.”)
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support.
(“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue
clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
Golf and the physical therapist
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me”, she
told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her
hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel?
To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?A: They haven’t had any brains for the last thirty years.
Viagra quickies 1
A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, “SUPER SEX!, Super Sex!”
The ladies yelled back: “I want the SOUP!”, “Soup, Please.”
“Oh, I’d love some soup!”
Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.
New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.
Viagra in Spanish, we’re told, is “viejos agradecidos” or “greated old guys” (sic).
Viagra has been a big boon to ‘stand up’ comedians.
The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.
Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it, She says, “Oh, Oh Henry!”
A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: “Who put Viagra in the thermometer?”
Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name “Pepperidge Firm”.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
Ear wax
you know your a redneck if you take your car keys and dig your ear wax out ya ears.