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Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream ‘Oh
my God! They’ve found me!’ and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to your neighbor that you can’t get
the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off
again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it’s set up with.
Write a program that plays the Smurfs theme song and play it at the highest
volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on
the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say ‘Just
in case’ mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything
bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy
while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then,
pull a disk out of your fly and say, ‘Oops, I forgot.’
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
‘Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,’ and scream ‘YES!’ when it finishes.
DISK FIGHT!
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you
know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting
the keys with the straw.
If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing ‘The Lion Sleeps
Tonight’ whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, and tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 inch disk drive, and when it
doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling
Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it’s all done (two days
later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a
while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, and look at the person next to
you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let
them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
linger.
Take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your
neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and
loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them
of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the
monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this.
Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, then shout, ‘you will all perish in flames!’ and continue
working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key
is F sharp, etc.) Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire
paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying ‘Excuse me, mind if I
borrow this for a sec?’ unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old
ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see
that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t
affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: ‘Does *your* delete key
work?’ Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep
doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then,
suddenly exclaim: ‘well, what do ya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this
whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!’ Print out your document and
leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

Stare at the your neighbor’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing,
and say ‘You did that?’ loudly. Keep laughing; grab your stuff and leave,
howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
‘COVEEEEERRRRRR!’ Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and
say. ‘Oh, good, it worked this time,’ and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like
you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out
you’re a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend
it’s the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t
work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in
your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
‘You’re such a marvel!’ and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence.
As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout ‘Armageddon is here!’ then calmly sit down
and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that
baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, ‘Give me that computer
or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week.’
Two words: Tesla Coil. (Tesla Coil: an air-core transformer used to produce
high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.)

I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

What do you call an unemployed jester? … Nobody’s fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.

Why politicians don’t enjoy the game of golf — Because for them, it’s too much like their work — you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminist’s lament: “I think, therefore I am single.”

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: “Push … Push …Push!”

Sign in a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: “Reserved for plant manager.”

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “Please do not disturb further.”

Sign in a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Never face facts; if you do, you’ll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? … Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? … WET
rocks.

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we’ve already gone.

Personals Ad: “Financially Unstable Man – I owe everyone money. If you’re not one of my creditor, I’d like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99.”

Personals Ad: “Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with
real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67.”

Sign in a cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.” (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): “Socks can eat anyplace they want.”

Sign in a restaurant window: “T-bone: 99 Cents.” (Then, in fine print underneath: “With meat: $14.95”).

A hardware store has a sign that reads: “Today’s special. (Then, below it,in pencil): “So’s tomorrow.”

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: “Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”

Chinese proverb: “If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum.”

How can there be self-help “groups”?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Un deportista sali� a correr por el monte y, despu�s de unos kil�metros, se puso a hacer flexiones como un loco contra el suelo. Cuando llevaba as� un buen rato, acert� a pasar por all� un pastor que se fue acercando poco a poco sorprendido.

Al llegar junta a �l, en una de las subidas y bajadas, le dio con el bast�n en el culo y le dijo:

“�Pero para, chavaaal! �Que se te ha “largao” la moza!”