Hide the dog

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got
a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having the time to
get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid
the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him aboard the
airplane.

About 30 minutes into the flight, a flight attendant noticed the
man shaking and quivering. “Are you OK, sir?” “Yes,” said the
man, “But I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get
the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the
front of my pants.”

“What’s wrong? Is he not housebroken?” “No, that’s not the
problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

Presidents and Queens

President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated ‘state visit’ to Great Britain. Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeded through the streets enroute to Buckingham Palace, the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving out their respective windows to the cheering throngs. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach. Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizzare together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous. ‘Mr. President, please accept my regrets – I’m sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.’ ‘Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought; why, if you hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.’

Barney is Satan

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

Prove: Barney is satanic

The Romans had no letter ‘U’, and used ‘V’ instead for printing, meaning that the Roman representation for Barney would be:

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

extracting the Roman numerals, we have: CV V L DI V and their decimal equivalents are:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

adding those num`ers produces:

666 666

is the number of the Beast.

Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

Bush’s Urgent & Confidential Business Proposal

URGENT ASSISTANCE – FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of
America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the
United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met
neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for
a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business
transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account
requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in
acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My
partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my
father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the
United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the
United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the
United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President
of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring
Islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a
falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue
sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British
subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of
sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six
billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom
of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars
($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father’s former Iraqi
business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum
reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the
President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his
country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power.
Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of
this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to
200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 – $200,000,000,000), both in the initial
acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the
oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are
urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this
business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of
America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and
former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose
professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a
Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent
(10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture.
The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as
our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the
fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and
worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A
bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that
this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in
this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further
discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be
forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers
below.
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111

Uncle Charlie

A teacher was giving class lessons in morals and asked for examples.Little Mary stood up and said, ‘My father is a chicken farmer and when we collect the eggs each morning, we take more than one basket, so you don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”Very good, Mary,’ said the teacher. ‘Any more morals?’Little Johnny stands up. ‘During the war,’ he says, ‘my Uncle Charlie was alone in a fox-hole with a rifle and a bottle of whisky.”A whole German battalion was approaching him, so he had a big gulp of the whisky and fired all his bullets at the Germans, killing at least 100. He fell back into the fox-hole, took another large swig of whisky and ran out and used his bayonet and rifle butt to kill all the Germans left.”That’s very brave of your uncle,’ said the teacher, ‘but where’s the moral to the story?”Well.’ said Johnny, ‘You don’t f*** around with Uncle Charlie when he’s been on the piss.’

10 signs of burnout

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell”.

9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, bitch!”

8. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.

7. You find yourself taking long coffee breaks talking to your worst enemy in her office, so she doesn’t get any work done either.

6. You clean your desk off by sweeping everything into a box once a week.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. You use Day-Timer more often as coaster than to plan your schedule.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Torrid Affair

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock.They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird).The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been.The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!”

Bill Clinton and St. Peter

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?”
inquired St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton.” “What sins did you commit
while on Earth?” asked St. Peter. Clinton thought for a moment and then
answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against
me because I didn’t inhale. And, I suppose I had extra-marital sex, but
you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual
relations.’ I should also mention that I lied, but you shouldn’t hold that
against me either because I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied, “Okay, here’s
the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it’s very hot, but we won’t call
it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t
call it ‘eternity.’ And, don’t ‘abandon all hope’ when you get there. Just
don’t hold your breath waiting for ‘Hell’ to freeze over.”