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An exasperated mother whose child was always getting into mischief, finally
asked, “How do you expect to get into heaven?”
The child thought it over, “Well,” the youngster said, “I’ll just run in and
out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For
heaven’s save, come in or stay out!”
an englishman an irishman and a scotish man were trapped on a dessert island the scotish man found a magic lamp and rubbed it a gennie came out to grant them 3 wishes the scotishman wish t go to his local pub poof he went ,the englishman wish t go to his local pub poof he went then the irish man said i miss my new friends i wish they were back poof they apeared back each with a pint in there hands
Secret tips for making a marriage last…
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Yo momma so dumb she got locked in H-E-B and starved to death
Yo momma so dumb she sold her car for gas money
yo momma so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what is she doing she answerd MOVING
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off everybody thinks she is backing up
Yo momma so fat when she is walking down the street in a raincoat she has people chasing after her yelling TAXI TAXI
A truck driver was driving down a road when he saw a sign that read low bridge. Next thing the driver knows is that he was stuck under the bridge. Traffic was backed up for miles.
A police officer finally makes his way to the truck and says with his hands on his hips, “Got stuck, huh?”
The driver replied, “No, I was delivering the bridge and ran out of gas.”
Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days,
because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago,
I was at my girlfriend’s place, wearing my new white shirt. Much
to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She
made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to
another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white
shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn’t
do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and
picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well
that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can’t praise
your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go
now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty
garbage bags…
Thanks again!
John Smith
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
what does a blonde and butter have in commen
there both easy to spread
Little Johnny is in Sunday school and the teacher asks the class where Jesus is today.
Paul raises his hand and says, “Jesus is in my heart cuz I love him very much.”
Mary raises her hand and says, “Jesus is in heaven cuz he’s dead.”
Johnny screams out loud, “Jesus is in my damn bathroom.”
The teacher says, “Why is that?”
Johnny replies, “Every morning my dad screams, ‘JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives.
Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.
Bernie asked Kirk, “Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?”
Kirk replied, “Really? I had no idea. What are they?”
Bernie answered, “Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake.”
“What’s the difference?” asked Kirk.
Bernie replied, “The Positive goes, ‘Oh yes! Ooh yes!’ The Negative goes, ‘Oh no! Oh no!’ The religious goes, ‘Oh God! Oh God!’ and the fake one goes, ‘Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A queer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, son. We dont allow queers in this bar.”
The queer says, “I need a drink really bad, honey. I’ll sit in the very back and be very quiet!”
The bartender thinks for a while, and says, “Alright. Only ONE drink.” The queer takes the glass of beer and sits in the dark courner of the bar. Suddenly, a cowboy walks in with snakeskin boots and a cowskin cowboy hat.
He walks up to the bartender and says, “I’m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off the balls of a cow!”
The queer looks up uncertainly and yells across the bar, “Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!”
The bartender is taken to court two days later for letting a half-baked drunk queer in the bar.