Q:How do you tell the difference between a bad girl and a good girl?
A: A good girl goes to a bar comes home and goes to bed.
A bad girl goes to a bar goes to bed then goes home.
Author: admin
Reading of the will
The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:”To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.””To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.”And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!”
Sequel
Seems like they’re working on a sequel to the movie ‘The Abyss’.
Rumor has it that they’re going to call it, ‘Son of Abyss’.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
What am I?
I have a thousand arms and a million legs and four billion eyes.
What am I?
A big fat liar.
Wrong Finger
I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.
When I pointed this out to her, she said, “I know, I married the wrong man.”
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February,…
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we
won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one
cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.”
Respectful golfer
A couple of elderly gentleman are playing a leisurely round of golf one fine
afternoon when the gentleman lining up his tee shot notices a funeral procession
approaching on a nearby road. He stops what he’s doing, removes his cap, and
stands in silence as the procession passes by. His fellow golfer stands watching
in astonishment, “that was very decent of you Frank!” he stutters. “Aye�, says
Frank putting his cap back on “she was a good wife to me”.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don’t know the words.
Californians Are Mad!
An open letter to the rest of America:
America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because
California doesn’t have enough electricity to meet its needs.
The rest of the country (including George W. Bush’s energy
secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer
through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in
Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to be just fine
with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without enough
power to meet their needs. They laugh at Californians’
frivolity. Well, everybody. Here’s how it really is:
California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per
person. California grows more than half the nation’s fruit, nuts
and vegetables. We’re keeping them. We need something to eat
when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the
nation’s almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives,
persimmons, pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you
won’t miss them. California is the nation’s number one dairy
state. We’re keeping our dairy products. We’ll need plenty of
fresh ones since our refrigerators can’t be relied upon. Got
milk?
We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in
state. Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough
electricity, which you’re apparently keeping for yourselves, we
just plain don’t have enough software to spare. We’re keeping
all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of the
commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you
want to go. When yours wear out, you’d better hope Boeing’s
Washington plant can keep you supplied. There isn’t enough
electricity here to allow us to export any more planes than we
need ourselves. And while we’re at it, we’re keeping all our
high tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons
systems that let you sleep at night, not worried you might wake
up under the rule of some foreign kook. Oh, yeah, and if you
want to make a long-distance call, remember where the satellite
components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you could get
back in the habit of writing letters. Want to see a blockbuster
movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since
we’ll now have to make them with our own electricity, we’re
keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else, the labs,
printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities
are all here.
Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons
per year. We’ll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we
think about the fact that no matter how many California products
we export to make the rest of America’s lives better, America
can’t see its way clear to help us out with a little
electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine. You all
complain that we don’t build enough power plants. Well, you
don’t grow enough food, write enough software, make enough
movies, build enough airplanes and defense systems or make
enough wine. This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up
before it’s too late.
Love,
The Californians
“I love California – I practically grew up in Phoenix.” -Dan
Quayle
Lost ball
Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball):
“What sort of a ball was it?”
Caddie (butting in):
“A brand new one, never been properly hit yet!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Un misionero que hab�a pasado
Un misionero que hab�a pasado a�os ense�ando a los nativos a cultivar la tierra y a ser autosuficientes, se entera de que lo van a transferir a otro lugar. Entonces piensa que lo �nico que nunca les ense�� es a hablar el espa�ol, as� que toma al Jefe y comienza a caminar con �l en la jungla. El misionero apunta a un �rbol y le dice al Jefe: “Esto es un �rbol.”
El Jefe mira al �rbol y dice, “Arbol.” El misionero sonr�e satisfecho con la respuesta.
Caminan un poco m�s y el misionero se�ala una roca y dice, “Esto es una roca.”
El Jefe dice, “Roca.”
En eso oyen un ruido entre los arbustos y cuando se asoman ven a una pareja en plena actividad rom�ntica. El misionero se pone nervioso y dice, “Pedalear la bicicleta.”
El Jefe mira a la pareja por un momento, toma su lanza y los mata. El misionero se enfurece y grita al jefe que ha pasado a�os ense��ndoles como ser civilizados y amables unos con otros, as� que c�mo pod�a �l matar a esas personas a sangre fr�a como si nada.
El Jefe responde: “Mi bicicleta.”
Monkey Fucks Rino
a monkey is happily swinging through the jungle when all of a
sudden he becomes very very horny…..
he continues to swing aimlessly through the jungle with a
monster hard on and gagging for a ride.. the further he swings
the hornier he gets looking for anything to relieve his load….
All of a sudden the monkey spots a rino eating some grass….
the monkey swiftly swings down and fires one into the
rino….boom….
The rino looks up in an almighty rage and starts chasing the
monkey miles and miles through the forest the monkey covers with
the rino hot on his heels…
the monkey spots a human hunter all dressed up in the english
style hunting gear reading a USA Today…the monkey swiftly
dives ontop of the hunter and beats him up removes his clothing
puts on the clothing and sits reading the USA Today…..
The rino approaches the monkey dressed up as a hunter and says
“excuse me sir but have you seen a monkey swing passed here
recently….the monkey replies from under his disguise ” is that
the monkey that fucked the rino……the rino answers with a
sigh “oh its not made the paper already”…..the end