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A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.
The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. “Do you want a screwdriver?” she asked.
The chauffeur shrugged. “Might as well,” he said,” I can’t get this bloody hub cap off!!!
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show.
He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.
Nobody puts their hand up except one man.
David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.
The man says, “For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table.”
He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it.
He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her underwear and takes her from behind.
David Copperfield is horrified and says, “That’s not a trick!!”
To which the man replies, “I know, but it’s fucking magic.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Yo Momma so fat, they sent out a search party for her feet!
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet! -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
Yo family is so poor that when I asked to borrow your skateboard, you said no you can not take our motor home.
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.
“Say, honey-baby … I’d really like to get into those pants of yours.”
“Thanks,” she shot back, “But I’ve already got an a**hole in there.”
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Yisman
Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
Q: Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
I we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate each other without ever touching rearends.
We never have to reach downs ever so ifter to make sure all our
privates are still there.
We have to ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look
like idiots.
There are times when chocolate really does solve all your
problems.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make funny comments about how silly men are in their
presence, because we know they are not listening anyway.
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.
The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines,
“The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”