“You’ve Got Mail”

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. “Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?” the man asked.

“Because,” replied the blonde, “my computer keeps telling me that I’ve got mail!”

Suburbs vs. Ghetto

In the suburbs, there’s grass. In the ghetto, there’s grass grower.
* In the suburbs, there’s ”corner stores.” In the ghetto, there are liquor
stores, bail bonds, weed, and lottery numbers in one building.
* In the suburbs, there’s microbrews. In the ghetto, there’s 40 ounces.
* In the suburbs, there’s homemade acid. In the ghetto, there’s ”sizurp.”
* in the suburbs, the ice cream man sells just ice cream. In the ghetto, he
sells ice cream, chips, drinks, candy, and crack, weed and mix tapes.
* In the suburbs, there’s a response to a 911 call. ‘Nuff said.
* In the suburbs, there are neighborhood parks. In the ghetto, there are
corners.
* In the suburbs, there are lifestyles of the rich and famous. In the
ghetto, there are lifestyles of the broke and pissed off.
* In the suburbs, there’s Rover, Spot, etc. In the ghetto, there’s Butch,
Killa, Boo….
* in suburban schools, teachers are fired. In ghetto schools, teachers quit.
* In the suburbs, kids wear red, white or blue because they ”just like the
color.” In the ghetto, kids wear red white or blue ”cuz that’z what I claim.’
* In the suburbs, kids come home with candy. In the ghetto, kids come home
with candy, coke can tops, crack pipes, etc.
* in the suburbs, you pop firecrackers on the 4th of July. In the ghetto, you
pop firecrackers from the end of school until Halloween.
* In the suburbs, you have ”Honey I’m home” in the ghetto, you have ��who
was that came in the doe’?!”
* In the suburbs, dad’s oldies are the Beatles, John Denver, etc. In the
suburbs, dad’s oldies are George Clinton, Zapp and Roger and the O’Jays–until
they were stolen.
* In the suburbs, teenage bands consist of drums, bass, regular guitar, and
the main vocalist. In the ghetto, teenage ”bands” consists of a table, a
hairbrush and 15 or 20 dudes standing around taking turns freestyle’.
* In the suburbs, cable consists of 100 regular channels, and all the premium
and pay-per-view channels In the ghetto, you have cable running from next door,
60 out of the 100 channels show up, and the others need a clothes hanger and
some aluminum foil to show up halfway decent.
* In the suburbs, dad keeps his gun hid in a closet, and breaks it out during
hunting season. In the ghetto, you got to pack the steel everywhere you go.
* In the suburbs, you have community watch service. In the ghetto, you just
have the community watch signs, spray-painted over.
* In the suburbs, you have bandanas in the ghetto, you have ”rags.”
* in the suburbs, you wear your jewelry. In the ghetto, you ”floss yo’ ice.”
* In the suburbs, if your lights are cut off, you use candles.
* In the ghetto, you take your lamp and 2 or 3 extension cords and use the
next-door neighbor’s power.
* In the suburbs, potholes are in the middle of street. In the ghetto,
Michelob bottles, and cigarette butts are in the middle of street.

What Really Happened…

  • “I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying – that’s what I get paid for.” – England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn’t win a game.
  • “I have always found strangers sexy.” – Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
  • “I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear.” – Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
  • “That rainbow song’s no good. Take it out.” – MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
  • “You’d better learn secretarial skills or else get married.” – Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
  • “Radio has no future.” “X-rays are clearly a hoax”. “The aeroplane is scientifically impossible.” – Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
  • “You ought to go back to driving a truck.” – Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
  • “Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.” – MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
  • “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” – A film company’s verdict on Fred Astaire’s 1928 screen test.
  • “Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, `ut it will never work.” – Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle’s plan for the jet engine.
  • “There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991.” – World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
  • “The Beatles? They’re on the wane.” – The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
  • “The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives.” – U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
  • “All saved from Titanic after collision.” – New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
  • “Brain work will cause women to go bald.” – Berlin professor, 1914.
  • “Television won’t matter in your lifetime or mine.” – Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
  • “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
  • “And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam.” – Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

Down South Bumper St

Southern Bumper Stickers…=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. => I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. => Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. => I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. => WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. => You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. => BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. => I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. => So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute! => I’m just driving this way to piss you off. => Keep honking, I’m reloading. => As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. => I took an IQ test and the results were negative. => Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. => Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes

Fax through the ass

There were three guys in a hot tub, one was an asian , one was a muslim, and the other was a white guy.
They were all sitting there when the white guy heard a ringing noise and looked over to the muslim guy pushing buttons on his hand.
“hey” asked the white guy . “What are you doing?”
The muslim guy answered “oh, i got a chip put in my hand so my cell phone is planted in my hand.”
“oh, thats cool, ” said the white guy.
Then they were all kicking back when the white guy heard a beeping, and looked over to the asian guy pushing buttons in his wrist.
“what are you doing?” asked the white guy
“oh, i had a chip put in my wrist so my pager is planted into my wrist.”
“oh thats cool, ” said the white guy.
then the white guy got up to use the restroom because he had to go shit real bad.when he came back the muslim guy asked, “whats that?” , “oh, ” said the white guy ” i had a chip put into my ass so now i can get faxes!!”

Blonde Sandwich

An Irish, a Mexican, and a blonde dude were working on a
200 foot scaffold.

One day, at lunch, the Irish said,”Darn! Cornbeef and
Cabbage again! If I get another one of those sandwiches
tomorrow, I’m going to jump of the scaffold.”

Then the Mexican said,”Darn! Burritos again! If I get thos
tomorrow, I too will jump from the scaffold.”

Last, the blonde dude said,”Darn! Bologna again! If I get
that again I’m going with you to jump off of the scaffold.

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox and saw he
had Cornbeef and Cabbage, so he jumped to his death.

Then the Mexican opened his lunchbox and saw that he had a
burrito, so he jumped to his death.

Last the blonde opened his lunchbox and saw that he had
bologna, so he, too, jumped to his death.

The funeral was very sad. “If I would have known he was so
sick of Cornbeef and Cabbage, I wouldn’t have packed it,” said
the Irishmans wife, sobbing as every one turned to her.

Then every one lookeed at the Mexican woman. “If I knew he
hated Burritos so much, I would have given him Tamales or
enchaladas.”

Then they turned to the Blonde mans wife. She said,”Don’t
look at me. He makes his own lunchs.

Evils of television

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.”It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things,” he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.”We put our TV away in the closet.””That’s right,” his wife mumbled, “and it gets awfully crowded in there.”