Instructions for Use

These statements were found on actual products.

On hairdryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco’s Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots’ (pharmacy chain in the UK) children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

You may be a Jewish Redneck

1. You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke3. Instead of a noisemaker, you’ve fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman’s name4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law7. You don’t ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks8. When someone shouts l’chaim you respond l’howdy9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.

Bizare facts

If you yelled for eight years, seven months and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you pass air consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (That one’s easy to understand, isn’t it?)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 9.5 m. (And you thought those Monty Python guys didn’t do any fact checking!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about pigs?)

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 ha of pizza every day. (It shows.)

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming one-tenth of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. (Moral: Always be willing to pay extra for good champagne. Cheap champagne is not worth the risk.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (So those teachers that used to whack your left hand with a ruler and make you write with your right hand were actually trying to do you a favor, the miserable, misguided, fascist, sadistic bastards.)

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (That’s a real leg crosser!)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (How did they know that?)

Polar bears are left-handed. (This means they live, on average, nine years less.)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (Are our palates just not sophisticated enough to appreciate the complex taste of pond scum?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s the equivalent of a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (‘Honey. I’m home… What the…?’)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Yeah, baby!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (0h shit!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (That’s in case you can’t smell it.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

Legal Q & A’s

Questions are asked by lawyers.Answers are given by witnesses.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: What is your date of birth?A: July 15th.Q: What year?A: Every year.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Are you sexually active?A: No, I just lie there.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the fact that you had hired detectives to watch your husband’s every move, you yourself stood on that corner every night, in all kinds of weather, watching your husband and a woman enter the house, seeing the lights go on downstairs, and then shortly after that in an upstairs bedroom, and then some minutes later turned out entirely. Why in the world did you do it?A: I just wanted to be near my husband.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -A woman charged with adultery was grilled by theopposing attorney.Q: Young lady, just how do you justify your course of conduct?A: Well, Judge, I gave him all he wanted. I kept him happy. I don’t see why he should be concerned about what I did with my leftovers.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Well, you’re a pretty big man, aren’t you?A: Yes, sir.Q: How big would you say?A: Oh, about eight inches.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?A: No.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Did the defendant have an erection?THE DEFENSE: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.THE COURT: I don’t think so.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: 45 years.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: And where was the location of the accident?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -ATTORNEY: (in the middle of a long cross-examination): Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep.THE COURT: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -ATTORNEY: And you can show us a copy of that oral agreement?- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Sir, what is your IQ?A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Do you have copies of those estimates?A: I don’t know.Q: Do you have copies of the purchase orders?A: I don’t know.Q: Do you know who would?A: Do I know who would know? Yes.Q: Who?A: Me, if I knew.

A Bloned Hike

One day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike.
When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said “Did
you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get
hungry?” Then the red head said “I brought water in case we get
thristy!” Then the blonde said ” Well I brought a door from a
car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!”

The Missing Lawn Ornament

(true story)

A little old Lady from here in Tampa, called the Police some time in Mid Sept, and reported that one of her Lawn ornaments,(A painted Cement Duck), was stolen from her lawn. Rather distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving vandals in the area. Police noted the report, and let it slide.

Two weeks later, the Lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. But enclosed in the Letter were several Pictures…. of her Lawn ornament. The Cement Duck was dressed in a Leigh (Hawaiian Flower necklace type) with sunglasses and a Alcoholic Beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.

The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, Read: Having a good time, wish you were here

Top Ten Signs The Concert You’re Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From “Late Show with David Letterman” on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It’s hosted by Ed McMahon.9. “Amplifiers” are just enormous dixie cups.8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.7. You’re asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you’re being introduced as Bob Dylan.6. One word: polkas.5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.4. “Santana” turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.3. They’re playing “May we turn the hose on you, please?” [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night’s show with a hose.]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.1. The crowd is chanting, “Tito! Tito! Tito!”

Alabama Jump

A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, ‘Hey fellow, why are you doing this?’ The man replied, ‘Well, I have nothing to live for.’ The Alabama man replied, ‘Well, think of your wife and children!’ The jumper replied, ‘I have no wife or children.’ The Alabama man then said, ‘Well, then think of your mother and father!’ The man replied, ‘Mom and Dad passed on many years back.’ The Alabama man then said, ‘Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!’ The would-be jumper replied, ‘Who?’ With that the Alabama man said, ‘Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump’

Holy Macorole

There was a girl who had very bad speech impairment. Her mother
worked out a system where the girl could help with errands. Her
mother would give her a note to take down to the local market,
she would give it to a cashier who would give what she needed.
This system was working great until one day.

She came home from school and was yelling, “I’M AM NOH THUPID,
I’M AM NOH THUPID, I’M AM NOH THUPID!” Which translates to I am
not stupid. Her mother tried to comfort her, “No Sue, you’re not
stupid. You’re special. Special to me and special to everyone.”
The little girl, still upset, said “Fuh fuh!” or as we say,
fine. Her mother said, “Are you better now?” the little girl
nodded.

Her mother handed her a note and asked her to go to the market
to get dinner. The girl got upset again and screamed, “IM AM NOH
THUPID!!” On the way there she said to herself, “I am not
stupid,” and tore up the note and ran the rest of the way to the
market.

When she got there the cashier said, “Hello there Sue, can I
have the note from your mother.” With this he got a response
which he didn’t understand, “No no, no noth, we wanna pive bound
maharole!” which means, “No note. No note. We want a five pound
macaroni.”

The cashier said, “Go home Sue and get the note from your mom
then come back, ok?” At this she stormed out to think of
something.

A few minuets later she came back in. The cashier said, “Do you
have the note?” “No, noh,” said Sue. At this point she picked up
her dress and pulled down her panties. The cashier said out
loud, “HOLY MACOROLE!” Sue then yelled out, “Pive pound. Pive
pound.”