Author: admin

Red Jacket

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A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells, “Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket!”

One of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket, which he put on.

The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage.

Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching.

“Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!” And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on.

After a fierce war and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated.

Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, “Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?”

The captain replies, “Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition.”

The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work.

Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, ten in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells, “Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!”

Midget Housing Subsidies

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Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the “little people” pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one “little person” living here it turns out that he won’t have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.

We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

Do You Know How Too

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Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy…

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10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re
not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.
10. “Women and children first”

Blonde Robery

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on
the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to
respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her
hands and moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman!”

New windows

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven’t heard from him since.

Guess I won that argument.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

How to Annoy People at Work

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How to Annoy People at Work

1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)During
meetings, disassemble your pen and “accidentaly” flip the cartridge
across the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYS
TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case.
7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field of
all your checks, write “for sensual massage.” 10)Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

Occupational Hazard

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Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, “Sure, but only if you DON’T go into the basement!”.

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement… only to find that it’s full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, “Okay, now I’m going to have to add you all to my collection.”

She asks the first man, “What does YOUR father do for a living?” and he says “Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business.”

So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, “What does YOUR father do for a living?” and he replies in tears “My dad is in the tool supply industry.”

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! “Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don’t you know what’s going to happen to you!?!”

He smiles and says, “Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business – you’re gonna hafta suck mine off!”