Effective sunspot remover.
Author: admin
Failed again!
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: ‘Result declared, past year’s performance repeated.'”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
How to satisfy women and men
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIMECaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIMEShow up naked.
Things Republicans Believe
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
“Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A Donkey And A Bar
This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, �Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.� The guy does this and gets his free beer. The next night the guy sees a different sign. It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.The barman then asks, ” How did you do it?” The guy answers, ” To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him”
Cute things from kids
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but he never met my sister. Yours
sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good
boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete- Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my
father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon
about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church
every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my
brother won’t be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you
moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more
important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely,
Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to
California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love,
Ellen Age 9, Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s
help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I
don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely,
Christopher Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my
class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you
tell him or does he read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie Age
9, Lewiston
Nos encontramos con la t�pica
Nos encontramos con la t�pica suegra que quiere aprender a manejar a los 50; su hija le recomienda la escuela de manejo de su esposo. Llegan a la escuela:
“Mi mam� quiere aprender a manejar”.
“A sus �rdenes, querida suegra. �Cu�ndo quiere empezar?”
“�Ahora mismo!”
“�C�anto crees que va a necesitar, mi amor?” pregunta la esposa refiri�ndose al tiempo.
“Bueno, trat�ndose de tu mam� unos tres o cuatro…”
“�Semanas o meses?”, interrumpe la madre pol�tica.
“�No, suegra! �Tres o cuatro autom�viles!”
Yo know what they say
you know what they say BIG HANDS /BIG…
Hillary Clinton
Did you hear that Hillary Clinton changed her name?
She is now known as “Sharon Peters”!
Va un abogado con su
Va un abogado con su hijo a su hacienda ganadera.
El hijo le pregunta al abogado:
“Pap�, pap�, �todo lo que veo a mi alrededor es ganado?”
“�No hijo, es robado!”
Just The Treatment
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room – yet she made no attempt to restrain him. Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, “I hope you don’t mind my Little Johnny playing in there.” “No, not at all,” said the doctor calmly. “Not at all. I’m sure he’ll calm down as soon as he finds the poison.”
Pissed ur pants
1.You are so stupid you locked in a bathroom and you pissed your pants.
2.You are so stupid you got locked in a grocery store and you starved to death.