15> Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.14> Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.13> He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.12> The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.11> Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”10> Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.9> Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.8> He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.7> To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.6> Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.5> She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.4> The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.3> He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent:”Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”2> “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”1> Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ][ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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Gotta Wonder…
How do you get off a non-stop flight?How do you write zero in Roman numerals?If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ?If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game,” when we are already there?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?– Always: Julia
Le hab�an dejado a un
Le hab�an dejado a un ni�o investigar que hac�an los padres con las limosnas, entonces va a la primera iglesia y le pregunta:
“Padre, �usted que hace con las limosnas?”
Y le dice: “Pues mira, yo trazo un circulo y lo que caiga adentro es para mi y lo que caiga afuera es para Dios.”
Va a la segunda y iglesia y pregunta lo mismo y le responde: “Mira, yo trazo una l�nea y lo que caiga del lado derecho es para mi y lo del lado izquierdo es para Dios.”
Va a la tercera iglesia y pregunta lo mismo, y le dicen:
“Mira, yo aviento las monedas al cielo y lo que alcance a agarrar Dios es para el, y lo que caiga es para mi.”
Policemen in Heaven
St Peter is standing at Heaven’s gate when a man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?”St Peter asked.”I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.””Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”A few moments later a second man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?”St Peter asked.”I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers.””Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”A few moments later a third man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?”St Peter asked.”I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir.””Excellent my son… I’ve gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?”
The kind lawyer!
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart’s time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.
The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn’t clash with the color of his getaway car.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hubie!Hubie who!Hubie-ginning to
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hubie!Hubie who!Hubie-ginning to see the light!
Little Lumberjack
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man. “Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.” The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man. The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?” “In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man. “You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”
New…
If you went to New York City for vacation and found eggs everywhere, what would the city’s new name be?
New Yolk City!
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his …
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Second Opinion
A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”
“I was in bed.”
“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Your momma so fat
your momma so fat she had to use a vcr for a pager