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A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland, produced some strange results.
Mickey Mouse likes Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.
Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers Root beer.
Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.
But Snow White adores 7up.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Betty Boop
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye… It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought… Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for
real… Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive… On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a
tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this way.”
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself
back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.
Eddie was telling Freddie of his plans to make a lot of money.
“I intend to buy a dozen swarms of bees and every morning at dawn I’m going to let them into the park opposite my house to spend all day making honey, while I relax.”
“But the park doesn’t open until nine o’clock,” protested Freddie.
“I realize that,” said Eddie, “but I know where there’s a hole in the fence.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2 2?”
The housewife replies: “Four!”.
The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are doing taking all your gear off?”.
The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier”.
The husband said, “No, not at all”.
The wife then asked,” Well, what were you doing then?”.
“Oh”, he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting
any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians–the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the
fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury – Twelve people who determine which client has the better
lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
One day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike.
When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said “Did
you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get
hungry?” Then the red head said “I brought water in case we get
thristy!” Then the blonde said ” Well I brought a door from a
car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!”
From “Late Show with David Letterman” on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It’s hosted by Ed McMahon.9. “Amplifiers” are just enormous dixie cups.8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.7. You’re asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you’re being introduced as Bob Dylan.6. One word: polkas.5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.4. “Santana” turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.3. They’re playing “May we turn the hose on you, please?” [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night’s show with a hose.]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.1. The crowd is chanting, “Tito! Tito! Tito!”
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
It’s not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
if the total at a resteraunt is ten bucks and you pay them with deer bodies.