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A mormon, a priest, and a bishop were all on a plane over the Atlantic.
Suddenly, 3 men with guns hijacked the plane. The pilot got on the radio
to the nearest airpot police and repeated the hijackers’ demands.

After a little while, the hijackers got impatient and said they were going
to start killing with the 3 people in front, who were the mormon, the
priest and the bishop. They asked any last requests of the mormon. She
replied, “Yes. I just want to sing my favorite mormon song first.” They
hijackers agreed and then asked the priest of any last requests. He said,
“Yes, I would like to give the sermon I had prepared for this Sunday.” The
hijackers thought it was unusual, but saw no harm in it, so agreed to
grant it. Then they turned to the bishop and asked him. The bishop
motioned for one of them to come closer so he could whisper in his ear. He
said, “Kill me after the song.”

Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say, “Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?”

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog

2. A donkey

3. A shovel

4. A fish

5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left…… Now, look again….. It now says : “HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!”

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

“Take my money, my car but don’t kill me”, said the tourist.

“I no kill you if you do what I say,” said the Mexican.

“Just unzip your pants and start masturbating,” he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. “Right, now
do it again” said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.

“And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.”

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.

“Good” said the Mexican, “now you give my sister a ride to the
next village.”

What’s long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?

A last name.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, ‘When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!’