Author: admin

Funny Virus Names

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Monica Lewinsky virus……Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus…………..Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus……………Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus………..Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus……………Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Sharon Stone virus………Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Lorena Bobbit virus……..Turns your hard disk into a 3.5inch floppy.

Tim Allen virus…………Appears helpful, only to destroy your harddrive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus……….Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus…….Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus……..Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Joey Buttafuoco virus……Only attacks minor files.

X-files virus…………..All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl’s virus………Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus…Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

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10. Cats’ facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing only women understand:

1. Other women!

Keep your eye on the ball

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How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife, Edna.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t
see where the ball went.”

“Well, you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t
you take my brother, Ronald, along the next time you play?”

“But he’s EIGHTY-FIVE and doesn’t even PLAY golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight after his cataract surgery. He could watch your
ball,” Edna pointed out.

So the next day Jack teed off, with Ronald looking on. Jack swung, and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” answered Ronald.

“Where did it go?” asked Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I dunno. I forgot,” said Ronald.

Research paper excuses!

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A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1) A certified medical excuse
2) A death in the student’s immediate family

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, “Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.”

The Top 15 Corporate Executive Pickup Lines

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15> “What say we go back to my place so I can do to you what I’ve been doing to my shareholders for the last few years?”14> “Nice dress! But it would look better in my shredder.”13> “Hey, Bruno, as long we’re sharing a cell…”12> “Is that a $1.2-million bonus for you in my pants, or am I just happy to see you?”11> “What do you think will drop faster, our stock price or these pants?”10> “I know you’re married, but you really should diversify those assets of yours.” 9> “Screw all those indictments — I can still get us a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.” 8> “Excuse me, is your name WorldCom? ‘Cause those look like some seriously inflated assets!” 7> “Alice, get that ass-kisser Murphy in here, pronto!” 6> “Hey, baby, are you into bondage? I could really use some help with these handcuffs if you’ve got a minute.” 5> “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against an approved committee for evaluation in hopes of a future merger?” 4> “Say, what’s a nice girl like you doing at a special Senate hearing like this?” 3> “Honey, I have *extensive* dealings with Bush.” 2> “C’mon, sweetie — it’s my last chance to be with a woman for 3 to 5 years.” 1> “In your case, baby, I tend to think *inside* the box.” [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]

Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class

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11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?” 12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment. 13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”. 14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?” 15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?” 16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally. 17. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. 18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions. 19. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”. 20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Real Estate Tips

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Real estate is going up again. So if you’re looking to start the coming millennium in a new home, here are some helpful translations of descriptions found in Real Estate ads:

  • Sophisticated city living = Next to a noisy bar
  • Old World Charm – Has some woodwork, needs cleaning
  • Contemporary feeling = Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
  • Close to Lakes = Impossible to park from April to October
  • Wide open floor plan = Previous owner removed supporting walls.
  • Security System = Neighbor has a dog.
  • Need TLC = Major structural damage
  • Updated kitchen = Sink no longer overflows.
  • Motivated seller = Has been on the market for 14 years.
  • Convenient = Located on freeway entrance ramp.
  • Mint = Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
  • Neutral decor = No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.
  • Move in condition = Front door missing
  • Cozy = No room larger than 9 x 6
  • Lower level family room = Ping Pong table over sewer opening
  • Light open spaces = Many holes in walls and ceiling
  • Outstanding – Painted purple, and sticks out like a sore thumb.

Drinkers’ Troubleshooting Guide

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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Symptom: Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You’re at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!!