You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Author: admin
Johnny Cochran
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a
new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.
3 CrAzY deaths
These 3 guys were in heaven and jesus was only taking the worst deaths so everyone had to tell them how they died.
Guy #1
I suspected my wife was cheating on me so i went to her apartment and saw a guy hanging over the balcony, so i started hammering his fingers and when he finally fell i threw a refrigerator on him. Then i was so mad that my wife had cheated on me that i commited suicide. Thats how i died.
Guy #2
I was doing my daily arobics on the balcony when all the sudden i fell. i was on the edge of the balcony i was hoping someone would save me…the suddenly this crazy man started banging my fingers with a hammer. Then i fell and he threw a refrigerator on me! Thats how i died.
Guy #3
I was naked in the refrigerator!
Special Viagra
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
‘Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.’
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
‘If you take this, you’ll go mental for 12 hours.’
Very happy and excited, the man says, ‘Gimme three boxes.’
The next day the man walks into the same chemist’s shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man’s cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, ‘Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.’
The chemist replies, ‘Deep Heat? You’re not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?’
The man says, ‘No, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up.’
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you’re not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find.
Estaba una se�ora y su
Estaba una se�ora y su hijo de cinco a�os, esperando para tomar un taxi; finalmente consiguen uno, se suben y mientras van andando el nene ve a una prostituta en la calle, y le pregunta a la madre:
“Mam�, �qu� hacen esas se�oras con tan poca ropa?”
La madre sorprendida con la pregunta responde: “Esas se�oras, hijo, son vendedoras ambulantes y tiene poca ropa porque no tienen mucho dinero.”
En ese momento, el taxista se mete en la conversaci�n, y la critica: “�Pero se�ora!, no le mienta al chico, �no ve que as� lo est� llevando por el camino de la mentira?, h�game el favor, no le inculque malos h�bitos al chico, y d�gale la verdad!”
Despues de eso, el taxista le contesta al chico: “Esas se�oras, nene, son putas.”
Al oir eso, el chico le pregunta a la madre: “Mam� �qu� son las putas?”
A lo que ella contesta: “Las putas, cari�o, son se�oras que se acuestan con otros hombres que no son sus maridos, y cuando tienen hijos los hacen taxistas.”
How to use an ATM
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Re-start stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card..
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cherub book.
19. Re-check make-up again.
20. Drive forward two meters.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into the slot
provided.
24. Re-check make-up.
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off.
26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles.
27. Release hand brake.
Any Gators?
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any
gators around here?!”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the
gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got ’em.”
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.
God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, “I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see how Jesus fared.” Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is stunned and stutters, “But how?! How did he do that?!”
God chuckles, “Jesus Saves!”
The Three Surgeons
Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.
They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to
operate on.
The first doctor said, “I like to work on electricians.”
“Why?” the others replied.
He answered, “When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know
where everything goes.”
The second doctor said, “I like to work on librarians.”
“Why?” the other doctors asked.
He replied, “Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern.”
The third doctor said, “Well, I like to work on lawyers.”
“Lawyers?!” replied the others suprised.
“Yes, Lawyers” he stated.
“But why?” they asked him.
“Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are
interchangable.”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Sucede que un marcianito va
Sucede que un marcianito va con su pap� viajando por el espacio. Se van acercando a la Tierra y el extraterrestre le dice asustado a su pap�:
“Pap�, pap�, �qu� es eso?
“Ah, hijito, eso es un sat�lite”.
“�Y de d�nde es?”
“De Rusia, hijito”.
“�Y c�mo sabes eso?”
“Porque dice URSS”.
“�Oh!”
Pasa un rato, y de nuevo el alien�gena:
“Pap�, pap�, �qu� es eso?”
“Ese es otro sat�lite, hijito”.
“�Y de d�nde es?”
“De Estados Unidos, hijito”.
“�Y c�mo sabes?”
“Porque dice USA”.
“�Oh!”
Y m�s tarde de nuevo:
“�Pap�, pap� mira otro sat�lite!”
“S�, efectivamente es otro sat�lite”.
“�Y de d�nde es �ste?”
“De M�xico, hijito”.
“�Y c�mo sabes?”
“Pues porque dice: Puto el que lo lea”.