Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?A: No smoking.
Author: admin
The typewriter
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they
wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the
word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell
your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what
her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a
letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went
back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the
daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her
father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Beirut!Beirut who?Beirut force!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Beirut!Beirut who?Beirut force!
U might be a rednck if…
u work out side with out your shirt on and so does your husband
A Charlotte, NC man, having
A Charlotte, NC man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against… get this… fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, he stated that he had lost
the cigars in “a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and
won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy
from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable,
and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without
defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to
compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in “the fires.”
After the man cashed his cheque however, the insurance company had him
arrested… on 24 counts of arson ! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was
convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24
consecutive one year terms…
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Little boy in bank
A woman and her young son were standing in line at the bank waiting for the next available teller. The little boy was becoming very irritable and his mother was trying to calm him down. Without much luck, she said in a fairly loud voice, “If you don’t settle down right now I will pull your pants down in front of the whole bank and spank your butt!!!”
With that the little boy announced, “If you spank my butt, I’ll tell the whole bank that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee pee.”
On Campus: “In a rare
On Campus: “In a rare lapse of generosity, the NCAA has decided college
athletes can get jobs. This statement was sent via ship-to-shore cable
from the NCAA yacht SS TV Revenue anchored off Monte Carlo.”
“Athletes just can’t make it anymore on what alumni give them,” says Alan
Ray.
Redneck Riddle
What has ten teeth and is thrity feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert….
Twas the Night Before Christmas…
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [email protected]
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
”Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!”
And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
More Rules for Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Rainforests are meant for tourists
Little Jenny and her older cousins, Sarah and Michelle, were at
their grandmother’s house baking cookies. The grandmother told
them they could find something else to do while the cookies
baked.
“Don’t let anyone in your rainforest!” Sarah said.
“I won’t. Not until I’m married!” Michelle replied.
“Yeah!No tourists allowed! But what if you charge them money?”
Little Jenny said, puzzled.