A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
Author: admin
Men’s room
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
A: Say, “Nice dick.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited Glaci
Caught In The Act
Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation.
When there’s no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach.
Unfortunately some of Rio’s finest, catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for ‘lewd conduct’.
Now Hosni’s not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldn’t do.
The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether it’s his first offense.
He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosni’s wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.
Hosni asks the police officer why he’s getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.
The cop tells him that since it’s a first offense, it’s only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, she’s been caught twice before.
Drivers Identity by Location
How to identify where a driver is from…
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um” …. also seen a lot in Parksville!!!
Peeing In The Pool
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.”You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.””But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.”Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”
Athletes
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
– Mistle toe, of course!
Yo Mama is so fat
Yo Mama is so fat when a bus went by her she said “HAY STOP THAT TWINKI!!”
Start a Farm
A guy wants to start a farm. He goes to the market, and a
salesman notices him. He comes over and says, “Can I help you
sir?”
“Well,” the guy says, “I need to buy a rooster.” “Oh,” says the
salesman, “They are over here, but we don’t call them roosters,
we call them pull-its.” So the guy takes one.
Next he says he needs a chicken. The salesman says, “They are
over here, but we don’t call them chickens, we call them cocks.”
So the guy takes one.
Next and finally, he says he needs a donkey. The salesman says,
“They are over here, but we don’t call them donkeys, we call
them asses.” So the guy takes one.
“Now,” says the salesman, “To get the donkey going, you need to
scratch it under the belly. So get your pull-it and cock and get
on.” So he did. “Now good luck!” And down the road he went.
About half way home, the ass stops in the middle of the road.
Luckily, a beautiful blonde stops and says, “Sir, can I help
you?”
He replies, “Yes. Will you hold my cock and pull-it while I
scratch my ass?”
Three chinese men
three chinese men get taken to jail so they decide to bust out at night. so the first man runs and jumps over the fence and makes it the second man runs jumps and slightly makes it then the third guy runs and jumps and doesnt make quite make when he gets down the two chinese men are singing ching chang chinese balls hanging on the prison walls
New Mic
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
Bobbitt Hillbillies Song
(Sung to the tune from ‘Beverly Hillbillies’)
Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed
Whizzed, that is
Even seam,
Straight stream
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
Video, that is
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya’ll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear….
Children’s Bible Essays
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness’s, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but
a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by
profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called
monotony.